Christening conservative Colombia

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

'I'm glad to see that all of the children being baptised today have been given saints' names.' 

That was the opinion of the priest who presided over a recent group christening that I attended in Bogotá's Verbenal neighbourhood.

'Do as I say, not as I do.'

Name of shame

The authoritarian, haughty man of the cloth — I thought the Catholic Church's foot soldiers were meant to act more humbly these days? — had been, um, pontificating about some of the more bizarre names people give their offspring nowadays (in between berating attendees, people who had paid good money for a service in which they were being talked down to, for glancing at their phones and allowing their children to wander about the outdoor gathering).

Apparently, so Padre Wilson informed us, somebody was christened Covid of late. I agree with him on the silliness of that one — although if he (or she, I'm not sure) goes on to hold the world to ransom despite being quite a weak individual all things considered, well then it will be an apt name.

That aside, the priest's line may help to explain why Colombians tend to be rather conservative when it comes to naming their children. 

With the odd exception, something we discussed in a Bogotá Nights episode, name-giving here follows very traditional lines. In contrast, one only needs to look at neighbouring Venezuela to find a more, let's say adventurous attitude to this whole area.

Colombia's conservative approach fits in nicely with the nation's overall psyche. As I've touched on before, someone who might be seen as a leftist liberal in these parts would be considered as being on the other side of the political spectrum in many other countries.

'Listening to Padre Wilson belittle the congregation at the baptism was like a primary school teacher addressing unruly yet naive pupils.'

What's more, there is often unquestioning respect for figures of authority. Like Ireland up until a couple of generations ago, what the Catholic Church says here carries considerable weight, outside of affairs in the bedroom that is.

Toe the line

Listening to Padre Wilson belittle the congregation at the baptism was like a primary school teacher addressing unruly yet naive pupils. 'Follow my lead and you'll be saved, little ones.'

With heads bowed in shame, the flock accepted its shortcomings. Father knows best. (And to underscore this superiority, the seven families in attendance, each having already paid for the christening, were encouraged to hand over more cash when the collection basket was passed around. Great work if you can get it.)

Of course, actions speak louder than words and all that. It's not like the majority of Colombians are pious Christians, even if they are still genuine believers in Christ. It's more a case that the less taxing, what we could call more superficial elements of the Church's teachings are, um, religiously followed. With that, very few seem willing to go against the power-wielders, even if it may be in their interests to do so.

On a broader societal level, every now and again we'll have protest movements. At times it even feels like something might change. Yet with the same energy and speed with which they start, they also peter out. The reality is that there seems little genuine enthusiasm to alter the status quo, despite what might be said.

Compliant, conservative Colombia dominates. Change is fraught with danger. It's best not to do it.

Remember, it's not just the crazy names that you risk importing from Venezuela. It might start innocently enough with a Geoberty or a Rolangeli or the like, but where would it all end? Father knows best indeed.
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Wrong Way's Loser and Winner of the Year Awards

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

Yes, it's that moment you've all been waiting for, the Wrong Way Corrigan Loser and Winner of the Year Awards 2020. We've had plenty of contenders for the former, the latter has been much more difficult to choose. Basically, we've had a dearth of outstanding candidates.

Our Loser of the Year brought about our Winner of the Year. (Photo from Facebook.)

Amazon high

It has, of course, been a year that most people will probably want to erase from memory. Not everybody, though. There's Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, for example. He's had a bumper 12 months. Ditto for those holding the purse strings at Facebook, Netflix and Zoom.

Also, a fair few folk in the First World's comfortable classes — their public mutterings of enduring an annus horribilis aside — have seen their lot actually improve, from a financial perspective in any case.

OK, it's not all about money. I've certainly had to keep on telling myself that this last while in any case. Alas, it doesn't tend to wash with many Colombian women. 'Instead of that fancy restaurant, how about a litrazo of Poker in the barrio tienda? No? Really?!' They'll come round, they will.

Anyway, let's get to the awards, starting with our Loser of the Year.

Xi's the man

The obvious choice for many here is outgoing US President Donald J. Trump. He certainly, um, trumps the lot for sore loser of the year. Indeed, he didn't actually lose the presidential election so he and many of his supporters tell us. 

Whatever the case, he won't be residing at the White House after 20 January, we can be pretty sure of that. Thus, he is a loser, but it's not enough for him to take our gong.

No, the Wrong Way Corrigan Loser of the Year Award is going east, to China to be precise. As the head of a country that initially buried its head in the sand when news emerged of a novel, easily transmitted and somewhat lethal virus at large, Xi Jinping is our top failure.

Not only that, but once coronavirus was let out of the bag (or is that lab? Or wet market?) and reached the four corners of the globe, Xi did what the Chinese Communist Party does best at home: suppression. 

Thus, contagion was curtailed in China while it flourished outside, aided and abetted by a dithering World Health Organisation kowtowing to Beijing.

'Our Loser of the Year and other world leaders did much to ensure Alan scooped the top prize, but credit where credit is due.'

This dithering behaviour proved to be as contagious as coronavirus itself, as governments across the world followed suit. Cue pandemic pandemonium and cures more damaging to society as a whole than covid-19, the infection coronavirus can bring about.

For all that, together with China's backfiring wolf-warrior diplomacy which is only serving to deepen mistrust abroad about the CCP's intentions, Xi Jinping is a worthy Loser of the Year.

Crowning glory

And now for the big one, our Winner of the Year. Many have waxed lyrical about the darling of world leaders, New Zealand's Jacinda Ardern. She's done well in some areas for sure, but in terms of being a global champion, that's stretching things.

There can really be only one winner. Some will accuse me of picking this individual simply because he appeared on my podcast.

For sure, I was delighted to have him on as a guest, but it's disingenuous to say this played a part in my decision. I'm far more balanced than that.

So, our Winner of the Year 2020 is — no, not Niall Ferguson — it's "Alan", aka coronavirus.

For sure, our Loser of the Year and other world leaders did much to ensure Alan scooped this accolade, but credit where credit is due. It may have been an open goal of sorts, but he still had to tuck it away. And that he did with gusto.

He has, quite literally, touched the hearts and minds of millions of people across the planet. At the risk of being facetious, his modus operandi hasn't been to everyone's liking and there are many who certainly wouldn't put him in the winner's enclosure.

Nonetheless, in terms of world dominance in 2020, be that good, bad or indifferent, no one else comes close.

What's more, his emergence may have just given humanity a timely heads-up to get our act together before something far more deadly comes along.

In a divided world, one doesn't hold out much hope that we'll take great heed of this warning.

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Listen to Wrong Way's Colombia Cast podcast here.

Facebook: Wrong Way Corrigan — The Blog & IQuiz "The Bogotá Pub Quiz". 

Western leaders' crimes against humanity

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

Each year throws up its surprises that catch us off guard, leave us badly exposed. From a global perspective, this year has, um, trumped them all since, arguably, the end of World War II.

Guilty of crimes against humanity? (Photo from Facebook.)

Covid contradictions

Along came a relatively mild, easily transmitted virus from the east that overwhelmed much of the world, save for a few savvy Asia-Pacific countries.

It's not like those who are meant to be calling the shots weren't warned, however. Larry Brilliant, for one, had been sounding the alarm bells well over a decade ago — if only we'd listened and taken heed.

We didn't. Leaders and public health officials in heretofore respected developed nations showed their complete lack of preparedness for something that, despite what they like to tell us, is not 'unprecedented'. Pandemics are nothing new.

Of course, the unprecedented nature of this coronavirus has been how those nations reacted to what is, mercifully, not a terribly lethal killer for the vast majority of the population. Initial inaction was and continues to be followed by overreaction.

What's more, the best comedy writers in the world couldn't have come up with some of the contradictory, unfathomable measures that have been imposed on the masses in order to curb the spread of the virus.

'Instead of continuing to play fast and loose with the lives of so many whilst enjoying six-figure sums in their own comfortable bubbles, our leaders should be in the Hague for crimes against humanity.'

In Ireland, for example, they've had restrictions on the number of households that can mix contrasted with children going to school where they mingle with an untold number of others.

Then there's the fact that you can have an alcoholic beverage in a public establishment as long as you're eating something with it. A pint of beer in a pub without a meal that costs over nine euros is a big no-no.

As most epidemiologists will tell you, coronavirus doesn't like those flashy types who dine out — "he" is a more modest character. Those having nothing more than a liquid lunch, though, prime targets. It would seem our microscopic visitor is more intelligent than most of our leaders.

Making a killing

It's a tad amusing listening to and reading about all this from a relatively relaxed Colombia. The powers that be here seem to have come to the conclusion that while deaths attributed to covid-19 will continue there are so many other life-or-death issues to contend with that we just have to get on with things.

The coronavirus monomania that had afflicted Colombia's leaders in the early days of the pandemic appears to have subsided somewhat.

You see, death comes to us in a variety of ways. When our governments and health officials overly focus on one aspect, the result is that other life-taking conditions prosper.

So, while we can chuckle from afar at the incompetents imposing absurd, harmful restrictions in my home country and elsewhere, there are very serious elements to it.

The mortgaging away of the futures of our young and active ages, the countless — as opposed to the very much "counted" deaths attributed to covid-19 — life years lost, the deepening of the divide between the haves and have-nots.

Instead of continuing to play fast and loose with the lives of so many whilst enjoying six-figure sums in their own comfortable bubbles these leaders, Messrs Johnson, Macron, Martin, Varadkar et al., should be in The Hague for crimes against humanity.

Maybe that's one pleasant surprise 2021 can bring us. One can only hope.

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Listen to Wrong Way's Colombia Cast podcast here.

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Bogotá's cocaine barrios

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

A common complaint you'll hear from Colombians when the C-bomb gets dropped in their company is that the biggest, most problematic issue at play is the drug's use by foreigners in developed nations.

Sin city?

Figures on cocaine consumption across the globe support this stance. What's more, from the perspective of those producing the "white gold" here in Colombia, ensuring it remains popular in the richer countries is vitally important for revenues. In financial terms, the local market is very minor in comparison.

Snow comforts

Nonetheless, there is a home demand. From my own observations, it's certainly not insignificant, although it seems more prevalent in neighbourhoods of a lower socio-economic standing. By all accounts, in high-income nations, the opposite is the case.

You might counter that I'm generalising when I say cocaine use is relatively commonplace across Bogotá's working- to lower-class barrios, that I shouldn't assume that what happens in one sector is replicated in another. It's a fair point. Yet, I've socialised in various parts of the city to know that it's certainly not just limited to one particular area.

In what I imagine is similar to the rest of the world where cocaine is popular, it's men under 50 who appear to be the chief consumers. For Colombia, unsurprisingly, availability and price are big factors in this popularity.

'There's a belief — not without foundation — that Colombia's "best" cocaine is sent for export. It's difficult to know if this is good or bad for the local consumer.'

For example, as a very rough guide, products in Ireland are generally four times more expensive than Colombia. Yet, one can purchase a gram or so of cocaine in Bogotá for the equivalent of 2.50 euros. I'm pretty sure you can't get the same amount in Ireland for ten euros. Try, so my research tells me, about eight times that.

Easy money

Now, the majority of those I know here who are occasional consumers are not what I would class as addicts. It appears to be a weekend indulgence solely.

What's more, it's not like nieve — snow, for the uninitiated — is the first thing on their minds. No, it's usually the world's most popular gateway drug, alcohol, first. Then comes the cocaine. A global trend really.

One could also question the purity of what Colombians are sold.

Like the country's coffee, there's a belief — not without foundation — that the "best" cocaine is sent for export. It's difficult to know if this is good or bad for the consumer. Less pure may mean less addictive and less harmful. However, it could also mean the complete opposite.

Another striking feature of the cocaine business I've observed is the involvement of adolescents. Lads who should be at school are instead low-intensity dealers. The thing is, they've no classes to go to right now as schools have been closed since March due to the pandemic.

OK, considering the profit margins — they can double their money on each unit sold — they probably deal around the college gates in normal times anyway.

With all that in mind, in my early days in this country, echoing a call from then Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos, I wrote about the need to seriously debate the legalisation of the cocaine trade. Alas, in most of the richer nations where consumption is high, such a proposal doesn't appear to have been given any proper consideration.

Thus, we continue with prohibition across much of the world which, it can be said, does more harm than good on a number of levels. No surprises there. As a society, we're adept at applying the wrong solutions to our problems.

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Listen to Wrong Way's Colombia Cast podcast here.

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Broadening the horizons, both mentally and physically

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

'Choose where you want to live and then find ways to make your life sustainable there.'

Does the answer lie to the north? Perhaps ...

In those pre-coronavirus days that now seem like a lifetime ago, for many open-minded people with internationally transferable skills or in jobs that required no fixed abode, and with nothing too emotional tying them to one particular place, that epigraph made a lot of sense. The world was, to all intents and purposes, their oyster.

Wealth is health

With the pandemic, while the (relatively) free movement of people hasn't completely ground to a halt, it is much more restricted than it was just nine months ago. 

In addition, there is the moral element at play in relation to the risks associated with unnecessary travel and mixing with strangers.

This can be even more of a burden considering the direction of travel in a live-anywhere-because-I-can context is heavily weighted towards emerging market countries and away from more developed nations. The latter — in theory, although this current pandemic hasn't exactly borne this out — is much better equipped to handle a health emergency.

'Many will have to reinvent themselves to survive in the new landscape.'

So, using that as a guide, it's quite understandable that a country such as Colombia appears to be making it more difficult for digital nomad types to pitch their virtual tents in its territory. 

Unless it can clearly be demonstrated you're of benefit to the state and its people, away with you. (For the record, I can't really call myself a digital nomad, if this is classed in terms of making money doing online work.)

Of course, the pandemic will pass and restrictions on movement — for tourism and some wishing to be economic migrants in any case — are likely to ease. What will take longer to get over is the fallout from it.

Work the location

For some, in terms of living standards anyway, little has changed. Indeed, in certain aspects, their lives may have even improved.

For others — and for the large part, those who were already struggling before this coronavirus — things are much more difficult. Many will have to practically reinvent themselves to survive in the new landscape.

I can't really blame the pandemic for my current imbroglio. OK, the virus ("Alan", you owe me money!) certainly hasn't helped my situation, but I took a decision to try to 'go it alone' before our enemy from the East arrived. The results thus far are nothing to write home about.

Coming back to our opening quote, if I continue to choose Colombia as the country in which I live — a decision that I have less control over today than previously — then it looks like I need to reappraise how I can "make it" here. 

Certain things that I've said no more to, specifically English teaching and marketing agency work, may have to come back into play.

Yet, if the strategy is all about finding gainful employment that I consider more meaningful and suited to my skills, then perhaps I need to reconsider the location.

There is no ideal — even Colombia purely as a location has its negatives — yet my current approach isn't exactly paying dividends.
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Listen to Wrong Way's Colombia Cast podcast here.

Facebook: Wrong Way Corrigan — The Blog & IQuiz "The Bogotá Pub Quiz". 

Living with a destructive parasite

 @wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

'As everyone does, I have microorganisms on my skin. However, one has become particularly irksome of late.

Parasite central.

Health hazard

Its rapidly increasing numbers is one reason for this. As unpleasant as that is, I can cope with it, the occasional treatment to reduce the tingling sensation notwithstanding.

Of greater annoyance is its destructiveness, not only to my physical appearance but also to the demise of other more symbiotic organisms that live off me. In fact, many have completely disappeared, which has adversely affected my overall health.

For one, I find myself getting fevers more regularly than before. In the past, I could quickly cool down with some ice treatment, but that's becoming increasingly difficult these days.

While as far as I can remember I've always had patches of dry skin, especially in the greater crotch area, these have been spreading to other parts where I used to have a good covering of hair.

'Maybe the best natural solution is to get close to the fire for an extended period of time.'

I'm also sweating in greater amounts. What's more, the small irregular skin growths that this parasite seems to bring about in proximity to sweat glands have increased in size over the years.

I tend to find a good ice-cold shower helps to reduce its impact. Yet, it's only a temporary respite. It seems this organism has evolved to find a way to combat any water-based treatment I apply to my body.

The heat is on

It does seem much less resistant to extreme heat. I've had a few bad burns over my lifetime — I'm a bit clumsy that way — and this parasite appears to avoid those parts of my skin that have been scalded, the most recent ones in any case.

Indeed, when this "lodger" is at its most irritating, I feel like covering my whole body in flames. That mightn't be the best idea, all the same.

Linked to that, when I'm in smokey areas, this also helps to reduce its activity levels. Again, though, I can't be doing that all the time.

Maybe the best natural solution — I'm not a fan of manufactured chemicals — is to get close to a fire for an extended period of time. Or at least apply intense heat patches to my skin. It'll get uncomfortable, but I can bear it.

Actually, such a strategy worked before, ridding me of bigger, but less annoying parasites. If I immediately follow this up with an ice bath for as long as I can endure it, I should be fine.

Sure look, I've survived various heavy blows from other bodies since birth. I won't let this little creature, "human" as it's called, get me down. I'm sure it won't be plaguing me for much longer.'
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'Cry me a river?' 'Eh, no thanks'

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

In the 1972 classic, Godfather, there's an early scene where Don Corleone berates his godson, Johnny Fontaine, for crying because 
he didn't get a part in a movie. 'Godfather, I don't know what to do', a sobbing Fontaine mutters.

Cue a slap in the face and a violent retort, 'You can act like a man', followed by a gentle mocking of his behaviour from the Don.

'Let it all out, good lad.' (Image from emojipedia.org.)

Crying times

That scene is set in the late 1940s, a quite different world from that which we inhabit today, to state the obvious. 

These days, it's all about being in touch with one's emotions. It's OK to cry, whether you're a man, woman, child or however else you define yourself. Don't suppress your feelings, let it all out.

I don't completely disagree with that approach. For one, for the most part, it's good to be honest about how you feel — at least if you're asked that is.

What I don't like, what irritates me, is when the waterworks start, especially — although not exclusively — when it's men who are shedding the tears. This is where I side with Don Corleone.

It's not that it makes me uncomfortable, it's more a case that I find it hard to take seriously men who cry with regularity.

As for women, whether the tears are genuine or not, they often, um, precipitate a granting, justified or not, of whatever they may be looking for.

I generally make an exception for death, but even in that there seem to be people who let flow more than really appears "necessary". (Perhaps we could introduce a tear scale. 'Careful now, you're close to your limit.')

Bidding adieu to loved ones for an indefinite period of time is another "acceptable" tear-jerker. Alcohol-induced crying is also excepted, meaningless as it often is.

'When the tears in others come they invoke a negative, cold reaction in me. Rather than wanting to help, I have a desire to walk away.'

This aversion towards, bordering on utter contempt for crying has something to do with, it's safe to assume, my childhood. I was, after all, a serial crier into my mid-teens.

Then, from about 15 onwards, I started to develop a strong dislike when seeing others well up for reasons that I would have considered rather inconsequential.

During that time, no doubt having to deal with me, her last born, I recall my mother crying for what seemed like the merest of reasons. It used to get my blood up.

Even if I'd been told it was all largely down to the menopause, it's unlikely I would have been sympathetic to her plight. Selfish teens, eh.

Dry your eyes, mate

This clearly left its mark. For in my current abode, the landlady, a nice woman I hasten to add, cries on an almost-daily basis.

It's not only, as has happened a fair few times, a headache when she does it speaking directly to me about some grievance or another (these grievances have nothing to do with me, by the way!). It also irks me simply when I can just hear her sobbing away in her room.

I know I should probably be a little more empathetic considering she suffers from depression, it's just when the tears in others come they invoke a negative, somewhat cold reaction in me. Rather than wanting to help I have a desire to walk away.

It's not that I lack understanding. In fact, I'd wager I take the time to listen to and empathise with other people's gripes as much if not more so than the next person. I just wish they'd leave the crying out of it.

The British-Irish band The Pogues sang in Streams of Whiskey, 'there's nothing ever gained by a wet thing called a tear'. That's not fully true, but I wish it was.
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Christmas, the one thing that arrives early in Colombia

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

Back in my largely innocent childhood days one of the most depressing times was when Christmas came to an end. In fact, the painful comedown started to kick in shortly after 25 December.

Decking out the place for Christmas ... in October.

Everything was building up to the giddy excitement of early on Christmas morning, discovering all the goodies Santa had delivered — they were never in doubt, seeing how I was such a little angel all year.

Quick-fire Christmas

So, while the afterglow lasted for a period, the sad realisation that I'd have to wait another year for Mr Claus' arrival didn't take long to set in. Within a couple of days, the spectre of a return to school and 'normal' times began to play on my mind.

Now, I do recall the official — that is to say, putting up the decorations — Corrigan run-in to Christmas being fairly short. 

Amongst my village friends, our household would invariably be one of the last to be decked out. It wasn't unusual for some frantic decorating to still be happening on the 24th. 'Time enough for it', was the thinking, I guess. I'm pretty sure if it was left to my father, decorations wouldn't go up at all.

At the height of the Celtic Tiger years as Ireland embraced US-style flashiness, or superficiality you might say, and as I moved on from Santa, it pretty much became unacceptable for any respected family not to have their house 'Christmas ready' by mid-December. (At about the same time, again mimicking our Yankee cousins, Halloween decorations appeared to have become mandatory in many households.)

That being so, for what I assume is the majority of Irish people, rolling out the Christmas decorations before December is still a no-no. Five weeks of Christmas is enough, almost one-tenth of the year as it is. The fact that most radio stations hold off on playing festive tunes until at least 01 December is a sign of that.

'As a sufferer of depression, I can't help but think of her state of mind when she has to take down all these Christmas decorations, in mid-January at the earliest as it most likely will be.'

For a fair number of Colombian families, in contrast, the Yuletide yearning tends to show itself in earnest in October. While some might follow the 'let's at least get Halloween out of the way first' mantra — do note, the 'night of the dead' is a lively affair here — others have their sights set on Christmas.

Radio stations are complicit. The end-of-year hits are being banged out as soon as September ends.

In my current house share, the landlady is very much in this bring-on-Christmas brigade. For the last week, she's been, slowly but surely, kitting out the place. By the looks of things, not one inch of the house, the ground floor anyway, will be free from a festive covering.

Emotional moment

It doesn't bother me, as long as I don't have to do any of the decorating. I'm kind of indifferent to Christmas at this stage.

I do, however, slightly worry for the landlady herself. As somebody who appears to suffer from depression, I can't help but think of her state of mind when she has to take down all these decorations, in mid-January at the earliest as it most likely will be.

Of course, we all have downers after highs, it's natural. 'What goes up' and all that.

Yet, the lady of my current 'manor', considering her condition, seems to be putting herself through an unnecessary emotional high. I just hope she can manage the inevitable comedown when it's all over, when everything from the Santa dolls to the glittery balls has to be packed away.

You might say I'm being a bit of a curmudgeon, a Grinch even. I beg to differ. I like a party as much as the next person.

It's just that experience has taught me to try to not get too lost in the moment when surfing the high waves. That way, you'll generally be in a better position to manage the crash when it envelops you, you'll be able to avoid being drowned by emotions.

That's the theory, anyway. As ever, executing it in practice is usually much more difficult. At least we've covid-19 to keep us all in check this year.
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Colombia's tough love

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

'Sure this lad will clearly do anything to stay in Colombia. Just look at his record. Nine visa applications in the last seven years plus three salvoconductos. We could ask him to submit a big, juicy papaya next time, and no doubt he'd do it.'

Alas, it appears to be unrequited love. (Image from Facebook.)

Social media diplomacy

It's stretching it somewhat to think that officials at La Cancillería Colombia have actually ever uttered words similar to the above. 

It's highly unlikely that there's a red line under my name at the country's visa-issuing authority — well, I'm pretty sure there wasn't, that might have changed now in light of recent, unsolicited media coverage.

Nonetheless, and at the risk of coming across as a "victim" here, I'd wager that throughout these seven years since getting my first Colombian visa few other independent foreigners based here have handed over as much hard-earned cash as I have in terms of visa applications and related processes.

Events of the last few weeks have reminded us that obediently and quietly following the visa/immigration rules in Colombia, especially if you're having difficulties in obtaining exactly what you want, doesn't always work in your favour.

No. The more advantageous route, for certain individuals, is to kick up a public fuss, rally the masses to your cause — if you can, that is — and Colombian officialdom will cave in to your needs. You do this while at the same time repeatedly say how much you love and respect the country.

You could equate it to a man telling a woman everything she wants to hear in order to sleep with her. In truth, with just the gentlest of scratching below the surface, his actions show how he cares little for her. She is no more than an object to be used and abused.

Yet, mesmerise your target with public displays of affection that conceal a threat, appear as a caring, loving, selfless individual and in no time the putty shapes itself exactly how you want it.

'No serious foreigner thinking about visiting or living in the country would seek out the advice of these Colombia-can-do-no-wrong types.'

Dishonesty is the best policy. Respect is only forthcoming if the other party loses respect for itself. It's not a relationship of equals, it's one of domination, built largely on false premises.

Forbidden fruit

In the specific case of Colombia's love affair with its foreign-born influencers — influencers whose business model is to say practically nothing negative about their adopted place — submissive Colombia believes it is getting something in return: The positive promotion of the country abroad.

The reality is more a case of Colombia being sold to Colombians. No serious foreigner thinking about visiting or living in the country would seek out the advice of these Colombia-can-do-no-wrong types.

Again, you're telling your sleeping partner exactly what she wants to hear yet both you and her know it's an act, a fantasy. And what you tell her doesn't really go any further than the bedroom. 

If it does happen to reach a wider audience, most observers are intelligent enough to understand it's little more than sweet nothings whispered at the moment of passion.

I've never been great at these exaggerated displays of affection — not too many Irish people are really, it's safe to assume. 

However, my attempts to stay in Colombia since the independent visa application became more complicated in 2018 have, it could be argued, smacked of desperation.

It reminds one of the old saying here, 'Él que muestra el hambre, no come,' 'He who shows hunger, doesn't eat.' It's time I started devouring that life-giving papaya myself rather than foolishly giving it away.
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Colombia's Migración mess

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

In September, Migración Colombia, the body responsible for granting extensions to temporary tourist passes, announced that the grace period for foreign visitors who found themselves stranded in the country was coming to an end.

Opening on Saturdays is a help, but is it enough? (Image from Facebook.)

Escape from limbo land

From the 21st of the month, days spent here would, in effect, start to be counted again, having been frozen when lockdown was introduced in March. 

For tourists, the deadline is 01 November to either apply for another 90-day permit or leave. 

If you're leaving within the time period, well that's straightforward enough. However, it gets trickier if you're looking for an extension as this requires an in-person meeting at a Migración office.

The initial communication from the government body stated that all appointments must be booked online. Those who turned up at Migración without one would be turned away. 

However, facing into a six-month backlog and reopening at only 30 per cent capacity, securing an appointment any time this year quickly became next to impossible for many. 

You see, it's not only tourists Migración deals with. All foreigners based here who aren't currently residents or citizens have to use its services at least once a year. 

Those who, during lockdown, were granted a visa or residency — a fully online process done with a different entity, La Cancillería — are expected to have these registered at Migración. This is one side of the same coin for the issuing of an ID card — cédula extranjería — corresponding to said visa/residency.

As far as I'm aware, this process must be begun on or before 21 October. (In old-normal times you had 15 days to register a newly-issued visa.)

'I've been told of incidents where people with such emergencies were refused entry to a Migración office because they didn't have an appointment reserved online. This is completely at odds with the official line.'

That deadline also applies to foreigners living here who had a visa/residency application deemed inadmissible or whose visas have expired or who find themselves in the country as an "irregular" for whatever reason. 

How I initially understood it was that those in such a position had only to register their intent to legalise their status, which in most instances means applying for an emergency stay called a salvoconducto. (Another option is to leave the country at the earliest possible opportunity — that usually means no more than 30 days after a visa expiry date.) 

If these people in limbo can't get an actual in-person appointment before 21 October because the system is overwhelmed, surely they can't be held responsible for that?

It now appears, however, Migración expects such cases to have reached a conclusion by the deadline. 

The latest advice on its website states that if your appointment is after the date your document expires or you simply can't get an appointment and yours is a case that needs urgent attention, you should go immediately to one of its offices, preferably, I'm guessing, the one closest to you. 

But for the grace of Duque?

That's the official line. As is often the case with such things, though, what's happening on the ground is different. I've been told of incidents where people in such dilemmas were refused entry because they didn't have an appointment reserved online. 

I'm also aware of a number of Bogotá-based foreigners being forced to travel to Migración offices in cities hundreds of kilometres away to resolve their situation before they became irregular. Great in these coronavirus times, isn't it?

One of these was somebody applying for residency. A day before his latest visa expired he received notification from La Cancillería that his application was deemed inadmissible — something that seems to be happening to a lot of folk requesting visas or residency these days.

Thus, faced with losing the continuity of five years of visas, the most crucial, time-consuming requirement for a residency bid, he had to hightail it from the capital to Neiva in order to seek a salvoconducto from the Migración office there, effectively buying time to sort out the issue with his original residency application. 

It worked out for him, he got what he needed. However, this is the exact type of case where I would have thought flexibility would be forthcoming from both La Cancillería and Migración. 

The applicant didn't want to test that, hence his last-minute dash south to Neiva. It must be said, the fact these processes involve two different government entities doesn't help.

The chief press officer at Migración did tell me in a WhatsApp message that they were being flexible. I've no reason to doubt that. I must also state that I've always found officials at that body reasonable and informative. 

Nonetheless, potential arbitrary flexibility and understanding aside, one immediate solution to all of this would be an extension to the grace period. We're still in the middle of this pandemic after all. Forcing people into unplanned travel in such times doesn't seem like best practice. 

So, President Duque, you have it in your power to tidy up this messy situation. Or are the conspiracy theorists on to something? Is Colombia systematically forcing foreigners out? Surely not. _______________________________________________________________
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Caveat emptor with Localiza

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog here.]

One of the biggest annoyances for foreigners from higher-income countries settled here in Colombia is the constant risk of being charged the 'gringo tax'.

Not worth the paper it's written on? Apparently not.

Basically, there's a belief, not without foundation in some cases, that we have more money and greater access to resources than the locals, thus it's fine to charge us more when the opportunity arises. 

Going loco with Localiza

This plays out in many different ways across a range of sectors. However, in my own experience, I find it happens more so in smaller, family-run type businesses than in bigger companies. 

This is not to say, though, that those larger operators are more honest — it's just a reflection of where the majority of my interactions occur.

A friend's recent experience with an apparently reputable car hire company suggests the "big boys" will also try to extract as much as they can from you if they feel they can get away with it. 

Of course, this is not exclusive to Colombia, it happens the world over. Nonetheless, I tend to find that the culture here means there is, unfortunately, little pushback against such practices. 

It's why I feel the need to share my friend's woes with the aptly named Localiza (my emphasis, but perhaps they'll consider it in future marketing campaigns — always here to help, guys). A buyer, nay renter, beware cautionary tale.

On hiring a car from the company for a few days, the employee who delivered it to him wrote down on the receipt that the return time was between 15:00 and 16:00, and not the official 14:00 owing to the time of day he was receiving it (see photo above). 

So it was to my friend's unpleasant surprise that when he dropped back the car around 15:00, he was told he was an hour late and would be charged accordingly. 

'There's a general rule in Colombia that if you feel you've been hard done by, the last thing you should do is get angry with the source of your ire.'

He argued the point all the way to the office, leaving the car parked up without doing a final check with Localiza staff (never a wise move). 

He was then told there was a scratch on the windscreen which happened under his watch. My friend says it was there the day he picked up the car but because it was so minor (see below) he let it go. 

The company charged him 1,400,000 COP — about 310 euros — for that defect. Following the lodging of an official complaint, Localiza has agreed to give back 600,000 COP of that fine, inside the next 30 to 60 days. No rush, lads. 

A lost cause

A cynic might say that because he protested over the return-hour discrepancy — this set him back a mere 16,000 COP (3.50 euros) but it was the principle of it that annoyed him — Localiza staff decided to 'go after the cheeky gringo' for much more. 

(There's a general rule in Colombia that if you feel you've been hard done by, the last thing you should do is get angry with the source of your ire. Try, as difficult as it might be, to play it cool, even bring humour into it, and you might get a more satisfactory result.)

The offending scratch.

Whatever the case, considering how the company behaved over the return time, one can't rule anything in or out over the windscreen-scratch debacle. Also, that they've now decided to refund almost half of what they charged for that damage, it appears they were more than covering any potential additional costs on their part.

The whole episode is an apt reminder to always be on your guard when entering into a lease or sale. This is even more so the case in these straitened times.

One can never be too careful on such matters, especially as a foreigner who may be out of his/her comfort zone and ripe for the picking. Caveat emptor indeed. 
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Beware of the (Dominic) Wolf warrior, Cancillería

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And so it continues. The grave injustices perpetrated by the Colombian state show no signs of abating. Those who were thinking that the pandemic would result in a fairer country, think again.

Dominic Wolf: More Colombian than the Colombians? (From Dominic's Facebook page.)

Each time it seems as if we've had a watershed moment, we're met with news of a new low but on the same trajectory.

A wolf in sheep's clothing

The killing of unarmed civilians by police is one thing, but the country's Foreign Affairs Office, La Cancillería, failing to give residency to Dominic Wolf, a 26-year-old German-Russian who has managed to sell the many great things Colombia has to offer back to Colombians, that's an absolute travesty. Something must be done, and quickly.

Never mind the fact that his application for residency was deemed inadmissible for valid reasons — if you don't do the time and all that. They're silly requirements anyway. Dominic's a German-Russian for goodness sake, he's above these trivial things. '¡Qué vergüenza!' for Colombia to even consider subjecting him to such conditions. 

Let's not focus, either, on the fact that he erroneously thinks he is the only one who has been singled out for harsh treatment by the big bad boys at La Cancillería. 

For the record, Dominic, not every foreigner who is granted an M visa gets it for the maximum permitted time of three years. The first M visa I got, after having had four consecutive TP 7 visas under the old system, was for one year. The second, two years. Anecdotally, it would seem getting a three-year M visa is the exception, not the rule.

'Should Dominic get his way, the door will fling open to the rest of us with even greater grounds for unfair treatment, to the point of it possibly being unconstitutional, to take on Colombian officialdom.'

Also, as Dominic pleads for 'fair treatment', we shouldn't say too much about the change.org campaign launched following his public protestations via his YouTube channel, recorded thousands of miles away from the country he loves dearly (that's Colombia he loves by the way, in case you haven't picked up on that). 

Sure don't all of us currently struggling to get visas or residency here have recourse to such tools? Dominic's just our trailblazer. What a champ.

Due to the consternation his case has caused here, there's every chance La Cancillería will do an about-turn and grant him at least residency. There's a precedent to this. Another influencer who has been pulling the wool over the eyes of many gullible Colombians, US native Zach Morris, was given citizenship a couple of years back after experiencing a similar episode to Dominic's.

The initial response from La Cancillería has been to stand firm, reminding Dominic that he can apply for another visa, that it is just his request for residency that has been deemed inadmissible. The visa office might just find, however, that the less stressful solution is to give in to public pressure.

Should Dominic get his way, the door will fling open to the rest of us with even greater grounds for unfair treatment — unfair to the point of possibly being unconstitutional — to take on Colombian officialdom.

At least we can rely on Dominic to fight our corner, the justice warrior that he is. Mayor of Bucaramanga in 2024 perhaps? Why not? Nobody knows Colombia better than he does. It's why he's not even here right now, he doesn't need to be.
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No and behold

[Listen to an audio blog of this entry here.]
'Say "yes" and think of a way to do it after.' That was the advice of an Israeli acquaintance a few years back as doubts about my suitability held me back from committing to a project on which I'd been asked to collaborate.

A rare 'no' in Colombia. Do they mean it?

Years later, I can't even remember what the work was and whether I got involved or not — it clearly wasn't that life-changing — but it was the advice from my friend that stuck.

Know your limits

You see, at times I have — or certainly had, in any case — this tendency to think about all that could go wrong, to focus on my unsuitability for new tasks, rather than look to my existing skill set and see how I could adapt it to meet new challenges.

Other, perhaps even less-qualified people would just jump in without hesitation.

Both approaches do have their downsides. It is prudent to give some proper thought before committing. Yet the overly defensive, negative if you will, reaction is probably, in the majority of cases, the most damaging for the responder. Nothing ventured and all that.

Of course, there are times when you just know that what's on offer isn't for you. It might be a case that it's not the right time — 'not now, but not never' — or you're simply not interested. 

In these instances, a swift 'no' is the best course of action. All parties involved can then move on with no harm done (as long as, to paraphrase Don Corleone in The Godfather, the other's interests don't conflict with yours).

Saying no, however, appears to be a very hard word for many to utter (eh, sorry Sir Elton, but I wager it's even harder to say than 'sorry'!).

'The Dutch generally have no problem in giving a blunt "no" when needs be.'

Now, the natural course to take here for a foreigner living in Colombia is to highlight that the inability to say no is particularly acute in these parts. That might be so — I've frustratingly experienced it many times over — but I'm not sure if folk in my home country, Ireland, are much better on this, to name just one other nationality.

As I've written about oft-times before, I do notice some cultural similarities between Colombia and Ireland. Perhaps we can add to this the practice of saying yes when we really mean no. (In fairness, my own "weakness" on this is being non-committal, giving neither a yes nor a no.)

Yes means no

Others, such as the Dutch, generally have no problem in giving a blunt no when needs be. For those of us used to a more softly-softly approach, hearing such a response might seem rude. 

For the most part, however, it's the best way forward, clear and unequivocal. What's more, it doesn't need to be followed up by a raft of excuses or mitigating factors. As the old drug slogan went, 'just say no'. Full stop.

I must mention another aspect to this equivocalness: when somebody wants to keep all options open. It's understandable. 

Again, though, it's best to be upfront with those awaiting a response. For example, 'I can't commit right now, but in a month's time I may be in a position to do it.' At least it gives some clarity.

This is where Colombians — yes, I am generalising — tend to score badly. Many will give what seems like a definitive yes when their subsequent actions clearly show that this wasn't exactly what they had in mind. Time, energy and, at times, money is wasted in finally reaching this conclusion.

That Colombian yes is quite distinct from my Israeli friend's suggestion. His referred to a situation where there was an interest and an honest intention to do something, it just came with some doubts and fears. A case of 'give it a lash and see how it goes'.

If that's not where your mind is at, it's best to give a Dutch no — qualified if needs be — allowing us to get on with our respective businesses with little harm done or time wasted.
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Colombia's independent work visa: ¿Vale la pena?

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Pathetic. When thinking of a one-word summary for it all, that's what comes to mind. No, I'm not referring to the content of this blog — it's not all bad, is it? And no, it's not my assessment of President Duque's administration, although I'm sure some of you would use that particular adjective.

Vis-à-visas: Wrong Way has faced nine Colombian visa applications.

Nein, nein, nein

What is pathetic is the fact that in the space of just seven years I've made nine — yes, nine — visa applications in Colombia. Surely, most other self-respecting individuals would have thrown away the ruana and sombrero vueltiao and said a firm 'adiós' well before this. It's not like I've been on to a winner here, rolling in a bed of pesos, living the high life.

In fact, it could be said this is one of the main reasons why I still stubbornly stay here. I'm able to make the few pesos I've managed to earn since 2012 last longer in this country compared to opting for a 'risky' return to Ireland, the homeland always being the default option. 

Basically, while I await that Universal Basic Income — it's on its way, isn't it? — I can get by on much less in these environs.

That and a feeling that in certain ways I've more independence here, left to my own devices so to put it. 

For sure, the one and only full-time, contracted job I took on from December 2018 to January 2020 put a temporary hold on 'being my own boss', relative as that has always been, but it also helped me build up some funds for the drought periods. And things have been pretty dry from an income perspective for months now. 

Therein lies the problem. The struggle to survive as an independent, a freelancer if you will, coupled with the difficulty of actually trying to stay in Colombia legally as such an 'actor' (no, I'm not referring to my under-appreciated thespian talent).

For me, from 2014 to 2018 getting an independent visa for Colombia was a relatively straightforward affair. These days, it's quite the opposite. In fact, it seems as if La Cancillería — the body in charge of these things — would prefer if no independents applied.

'Oh, we forgot to mention we need this.'

Well, it clearly doesn't mind picking up the study fee one has to pay seeing how on first inspection it makes it seem rather uncomplicated. 

It's only after submitting 'draft one' that you invariably — the many comments on Facebook groups vouch for this — get hit with a host of other requirements, a number of which can take some time to organise. 

Why not mention all these at the beginning so a potential applicant can weigh up all the pros and cons before paying for the study? 

To talk specifically, there is no mention in the initial application of uploading a copy of your Colombian-issued ID (cédula). Nor does it say you must provide proof of health insurance and other social security payments. (If you're a first-time applicant, I take it international health insurance will suffice but as for the other social security payments, I've no idea what's acceptable. Also, what if you're in Colombia but not currently in gainful employment?)

What's more, it explicitly says there is no need to issue a copy of your previous visa if it was issued electronically, as mine certainly was. Surprise, surprise, but in response to my latest application, I was asked for a copy of same. With that, unsurprisingly, the guys at La Cancillería are contradicting themselves.

'What rankles is the constant moving of the goalposts. Also, as it's an online process, it's very difficult to get specifics about the exact requirements for your own application. Replies are generic: 'This isn't acceptable', but there's no reason as to why.'

Here's another sign of regression for the once slick Cancillería system. In all previous applications where additional material was requested — mostly because of perceived document illegibility and/or my mugshot not meeting the specifications — I got an email informing me of this. This time around, nothing. I had to log on to the system to find this out. Whisper it, but it's almost like they didn't want me to know.

On the plus side, it seems that the translation, authentication and legalisation of my degree has been accepted. In May 2018, the last time I applied for an independent visa, this was the stumbling block. I ran out of time/salvoconductos (30-day emergency passes to stay in the country, two-in-a-row being the limit).

However, as far as I'm aware, the Cancillería doesn't provide information on all the steps that are needed for the above. Let me help. 

In the following order, here's what has to be done: 

Get apostilles on both your degree and diploma supplement from the country where you studied; get these translated and signed by an officially recognised translator in Colombia; authenticate the translator's signature at the notary office where he/she is registered; then get these translations legalised — an online process — by the Cancillería. (This is when journalism is your independent activity. For other professions you may have to get your degree validated at the Ministry of Education.)

Unrequited love

While all this may seem like a bitter rant against La Cancillería, I must state I have no issues whatsoever with Colombia tightening its requirements. Needless to say, the visa authority can request from applicants whatever documentation it deems necessary.

What does rankle is what seems like the constant moving of the goalposts with absolutely no prior notice. This and the fact that, as it's a fully online process, it's very difficult to get specifics about the exact requirements for your own application. Replies are generic: 'This isn't acceptable', but there's no reason as to why. Little wonder one loses confidence when it all appears rather arbitrary.

In some ways — again, one can say it's only right — things have gone from one extreme to another. While I never got the benefit of La Cancillería's previous lax approach, I know of a number of foreigners who blatantly stayed in the territory illegally for years and then sweet talked their way to a visa and even residency. Can you imagine Colombians getting the same treatment in Europe or the US? They'd be fined, sent packing and barred from returning for life.

There's also the odd sycophantic influencer who is given citizenship for effectively selling Colombia to the Colombians. A perfect representation of the national insecurity and the-US-knows-best mentality.

Then there are others who try to do things by the book, have given La Cancillería plenty of money over the years through numerous applications and shown their commitment to the country, yet they face new obstacles at every turn.

It brings to mind an Irish phrase from my secondary school days that has stayed with me: Grá éagmhaise, unrequited love. Yes, I truly am the pathetic one in this one-way relationship with Colombian officialdom.

Sad as it is, but perhaps I need La Cancillería to give me the knock-out blow. It might just be doing me a favour.
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Helpful today, harmful tomorrow

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]
It's generally accepted that there's a fine line between genius and insanity. The distinction, fortunately you might say, only applies to a fraction of humanity.

The majority of us tend to fall somewhere in the middle, for better or for worse.

'Rather than defund the police, let's just destroy them.' 'Great idea!' 

The narrow corridor

That being the case, there's another set of more pertinent opposites where the balance is also quite delicate: the line between being helpful and being harmful. 

One's life, consciously and unconsciously, mentally and physically, is, for the most part, spent traipsing the helpful/harmful middle ground.

But, you might say, being deep in helpful territory is a good place to be, so just try to manoeuvre yourself there. 

Well, the thing is, you can't be deep in it. It's a narrow corridor where you're never too far away from crossing into harmful ground. 

In other words, while you might think that being uberly helpful is nothing but good, there's a high chance you'll end up inflicting harm on not only the recipients of the "kind" act, but on yourself as well. 

It's like the old adage, 'Give a man a fish and he has food for a day, teach a man to fish and he has food for life.' (In this particular instance, the potential trouble for the giver is future resentment from the receiver — 'What?! You've no more fish to give me!' — which could result in conflict.)

Dissecting that saying further, very often it's the short-term help that, if not immediately harmful, ends up leading to even bigger problems down the line.

For a pertinent example in light of the times, take the anti-police, Black Lives Matter protests in the US. Data show that they tend to be accompanied by an increase in civilian-on-civilian homicides in the black communities from which they emanate. 

So go ahead, have less policing, but be prepared for the nasty consequences.

Considering recent events in Bogotá, Colombia would do well to take note — this is not to make little of the many problems with policing and other state law-enforcement agencies in this country.

On a macro level, despite the fact that today most of us can expect to live longer compared to our predecessors, this hasn't resulted in 'playing the long game'. On the contrary, in our on-demand society, it's a case of 'now, now, now'.

'The pandemic has only reinforced the on-demand way of life and, it can be argued, increased societal polarization, as well as inequality.'

It makes sense, in some ways. As most of our needs — from a Western world perspective in any case — can be satisfied by the mere touch of a button, many people appear to have lost the virtue of patience. If there's not an instant solution, forget about it. 

So we really only have ourselves to blame when our leaders react accordingly. Any visionaries soon learn that the real trump card (an innocent turn of phrase, honestly) is expediency. Never mind the next election, the latest opinion poll matters just as much.

In these coronavirus times, hope has been expressed that the enforced pause on our "normal" lives will see us taking the time to reflect on how we've been living. We'll identify the more malignant practices and amend them accordingly.

Cruel kindness

Alas, if anything, the pandemic has only reinforced the on-demand way of life and, it can be argued, increased societal polarization, as well as inequality. What's more, it has underscored the short-term "gain", long-term loss tendency.

In the rush to do all that could be done to help those most at risk, very little if any thought appeared to have been given to the unintended consequences. 

Only now, months later, are we seeing some of our leaders finally listening to the dissenting voices who have been at pains to highlight the problems we're creating.

Again, this isn't that shocking when seen through the myopic lens that society as a whole tends to use. 

To use football parlance, we've sacrificed a few playmakers to hold on to a questionable lead. The strategy has backfired, we've been pegged back and we need to go on the offensive. 

However, our star attackers are now out of the game. Most can, thankfully, be reintroduced. The question is, what sort of shape are they in?

When they re-enter the fray, they might be more like madmen than geniuses, more harmful than helpful. The margins, you see, are very tight indeed.

The temptation to choose, innocently perhaps, perceived kindness today, often results in a cruel tomorrow.
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