Forever friends

‘Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.’ 

When it comes to women, perhaps the majority of the time it’s better no devil at all. But we all have needs to satisfy – can’t live with them, can’t live without them and all that. 

We have, though, become a little bit tired of meeting new women and building from scratch in terms of friendships and/or relationships. Perhaps the country we’re in with its blasé attitude in a number of quarters towards those lesser-spotted friendships/relationships is playing its part in our less than enthusiastic desire to go in search of new ones (see ‘Colombia’s False Friends’ http://bit.ly/LbcE9V). 

Also, while being close to your family is generally something to be encouraged, sometimes in these parts that proximity can be a little bit claustrophobic in a sense, making it difficult to build outside friendships.

Family as friends - not always a good mix.

In terms of both sexes, we do, of course, have some very good Colombian friends here to bolster our expat buddies but our policy now resembles at times a-what-we-have-we-hold strategy. That may seem like quite an unsociable approach but, as a rule, it takes us time to build good, trustworthy friendships. 

We have a lot of acquaintances and people whose company we enjoy from time to time – but those who make it onto the "true friends list" are few. Now, there’s nothing startling in this, it’s human nature really. 

What’s more, generally speaking, men tend to be able to build a larger base of loose friends compared to women but can very often be quite solitary when it comes to having tighter bonds.

Building genuine, trusting friendships can last a lifetime. Therefore, as a race we tend to gravitate towards familiar, similar characters – people we feel we can relate to better. This is not to say that these kinds of individuals will become true friends but there is perhaps a higher chance that they will.

Wilde knows best.

This brings us on to what exactly the definition of a true friend is. For us, it’s somebody who is honest and trustworthy, somebody who you can confide in and vice versa. 

Obviously, it has to be somebody whose company you enjoy, but this does not mean that you have to be in agreement with him/her all the time. Indeed, as the Greek writer Plutarch put it, ‘I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.’ 

Sometimes a person being honest with you is not always nice but in the majority of occasions it’s usually for the better. To further hammer home the point, ‘true friends stab you in the front’, as Oscar Wilde mused. They shouldn’t always be attacking you, though, needless to state.

Friendships should also be able to survive over distance and time. A good sign of being a true friend with someone is when you don’t see them for an extended period yet when you do eventually meet it’s like you had never been apart.

A similar fate awaits some false friends.

Now, it shouldn’t have to be said that being a true friend with somebody must be reciprocal in order for it to really work. It’s a two-way street where there is giving and taking throughout.

In a similar way, if a business person has a loyal customer, he/she should show signs of appreciating that loyalty in a tangible way. Alas, this doesn’t always happen (see ‘Doing Business in SA’ http://bit.ly/LVpK8p and ‘Bogotá’s simple pleasures’ http://bit.ly/Uzc3lk for more).

In our lives, we inevitably encounter characters who we wish we didn’t have to – be it at work, social events or whatever. You need to be able to park those kinds of people, though; to leave them in your mental outhouse so to speak. Don’t dwell on them or let them occupy you – this is easier written than realised, of course, but it can be done. Cut the deadwood and the negative influences from your life.

So as 2013 gets up and running, we’re going to continue to strive to surround ourselves with people we can trust. 

We are aware, however, that not everybody who is willing to stab us in the front is a true friend. It’s good to keep that in mind.

Colombia's false friends

One of the initial things that first-time visitors to Colombia pleasantly encounter is the instant friendliness of the locals. In fact, it can almost be a little unsettling. 

They seem to go so much out of their way to help you that you feel they must be trying to get something in return — too good to be true and all that. For those streetwise travellers, your instincts tell you as much, right? 

However, it tends to be the case that passing through this extremely diverse land, on the whole, what you see is what you get. Colombians are just genuinely friendly to you — first up.

Best friends? Don't count on it.

That’s the thing, though — from what we’re discovering, for some of the natives, that initial friendliness is just temporary. 

Now, we realise we’re tackling a big sacred cow here. The maxim that has been perpetuated for some time is that Colombia is one of the friendliest nations on the planet. However, stay a little bit longer than the average tourist here and you begin to see how myopic a view that is. 

Over time, it appears that for some Colombians — both men and women — friendship is a one-way street. In the mid-to-long term, they expect to be ‘up’ in the deal. If they’re not, your companionship will be quickly discarded. 

The term ‘false friends’ — used to describe words in two languages that are similar in appearance and/or pronunciation but have different meanings — is very appropriate to describe some new Colombian acquaintances.

Here’s an example of what we’re talking about. You’ll meet somebody who will come across — as is the initial Colombian standard — very affable and genuine. 

Indeed, they might be so nice as to buy you a drink or invite you for a meal and if you happen to be looking for work or accommodation, or both, they’ll have plenty of contacts to help you out. Promises certainly won’t be in short supply. This warmth will continue for some time and you may feel that you’ve got to a stage where you can trust this person, someone you might call a friend. 

Then there will come a time, almost inevitably, when your new ‘friend’ will either directly ask you for money or you’ll be on a night out and your ‘amigo/a’ won’t have cash for some odd reason. 

So you lend some money or pay for the night, with the promise that you’ll get it back the next day. The thing is, tomorrow never comes with these kinds of people. You more than likely won’t be able to make contact with them for some time. 

The lines of communication may open again after a while where, amazingly, your old friend will see nothing wrong with breaking your trust. There may be some fabricated story to ‘account’ for his/her ‘disappearance’ — usually to do with a sick or dying grandmother. 

Whatever the case, they certainly won’t be in a position to repay you just yet. But they’ll have the money for you tomorrow. No worries. Sure aren’t you friends?

Gorgeous but dangerous — but worth it!

Now, you might say this kind of thing happens all over the world, and of course it does. But from anecdotal evidence and experience, it seems to be especially prevalent in Colombia. 

Ask the majority of ex-pats living here how many locals they rate as good, trustworthy friends and you’ll see plenty of heads being scratched. You can find them, of course, thankfully, but alas they are few and far between. 

In defence of this Colombian behaviour, it can be said that many of them are not as wealthy as Europeans or North Americans so trying to extract something monetary from people from these parts isn’t that bad. 

However, there are far poorer places in the world — Thailand or India for example — where the people are genuinely friendly for friendliness’ sake, no other reason. 

Or even take a look at countries closer to here. The locals in Chile — and also Peru — are sometimes described as being a little emotionally colder than Colombians. On first impressions, that may hold true. Yet, from what we’ve encountered, you can build up lasting, trustworthy friendships with the locals there — no strings attached.

On the relationship front, ‘getting into bed’, literally speaking, with Colombian women can be some experience, too. 

Things tend to go one of two ways. They will either be aloof with you for weeks on end, only contacting you as it suits them, as explained above, or else they’ll be all over you from the get-go, intensely so. 

That you are unable to devote every minute of your day to them is something they seemingly can’t understand. Whatever the case, it will be an emotional roller-coaster — that’s if you take it seriously. Best practice, however, is usually not to.

Of course, as we always like to point out here, there are some fine exceptions to all this that we have fortunately encountered — enough to allow Colombians to see themselves as a relatively friendly nation. But the friendliest? In classic school-report style, we have to say ‘could do better’. 

Then again, perhaps we all could.