Dealing with a sexed-up society

@wwaycorrigan

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In a country with an alarmingly high official femicide rate, that the fair treatment of women is never too far off Colombia's news agenda isn't surprising.

Sexual objects ...

Catholic virtues

Of course, there's one thing having grand debates about it in media and politics, quite another effecting meaningful change on the ground. This is particularly so in a region where misogyny appears commonplace.

The UK, on the other hand, superficially at least, appears worlds apart from most of Latin America when it comes to women's rights. Every now and again, however, a high-profile and/or disturbing case sees the issue become headline news, as has happened recently after the abduction and killing of 32-year-old Sarah Everard.

With that particular ongoing case as the backdrop, the broader subject was discussed on a BBC Radio 4 programme by a panel of politicians and experts.

One of the guests was former UK Supreme Court judge, Lord Sumption — a man whose stance on lockdowns I very much support. He commented that in European Catholic countries — he specifically mentioned Poland, Spain, Italy and the Republic of Ireland — incidences of abuse against women are lower compared to others.

I'm not sure where he's getting his figures from on this one, but speaking from an Irish perspective, to say that our strong Catholic heritage has contributed to our supposed "better" treatment of women is absurd, to say the least. On what is a long list of arguments against that, I'll just mention mother and baby homes for one. Abuses simply going unreported must also be taken into account.

That aside, where Lord Sumption may have a point is in terms of our traditional attitudes towards sex, generalising as I am and something that certainly doesn't appear to apply to the newer generations.

What I'm referring to here, with my own Irish Catholic-influenced upbringing in mind, is the way sex was not really something to be discussed openly. Sexy wasn't cool.

'It's this sexual-object idea that in many ways is the thin end of the wedge.'

If a girl or a woman dressed, let's say rather liberally, she was not a good sort. 'Leave that type of thing to the promiscuous English.' (Contrast this with Colombia, another traditionally Catholic country but one that in many ways has been more open about matters of sex, something I addressed in a previous post.)

Linked to this — and I agree that this is probably more a reflection of me rather than Irishmen in general — the idea of wolf-whistling or shouting sexual "obscenities" at women was something I never even considered. After almost ten years living in Colombia, it still unsettles me the way many men here are very forward with women. I'm more in the 'blessed are the meek' camp in this regard.

Objects of desire

So while Catholic Ireland's — not just the church but the state, too — historic treatment of women leaves an awful lot to be desired, viewing them as mere sexual objects hasn't been chief among its sins.

And it's this sexual-object idea that in many ways is the thin end of the wedge. It's also very complex.

From the male perspective, when one is bombarded with very suggestive images/videos of women on a regular basis, well how is one to view them?

OK, you might say just simply don't seek out such material. The thing is, I for one don't. But we have various social media, particularly Instagram from my experiences, that promote what I regard as at least mild porn. (A female friend of mine, one who isn't averse to uploading what could be viewed as suggestive content, agreed with me on this.)

What's more, many of these posts aren't by paid models or virtual sex workers, they are from everyday women voluntarily uploading sexed-up content to public forums.

For sure, if this stays in the virtual world, you could say it's harmless. That is to ignore multifaceted and potentially damaging cyber abuse, though.

You might also argue that women have the right to post whatever they want on social media — free expression and all that. It's not their fault if some men view them in a perverted way. Fair enough.

Nonetheless, men are generally physically stronger and sexually more aggressive than women. Thus, that some cross what can be at times a thin line between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour towards women isn't altogether shocking, especially if they feel they have been "enticed" to do so (just to be clear, there's no thin part of the line when it comes to murdering an innocent victim).

So when trying to combat a serious problem, such publicly available content has the potential to set, nay perpetuate, a narrative in the real world.

On balance, we could do well to actively promote a more sexed-down society, difficult as that may now be.
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Let's talk (reluctantly) about sex

I came across ... ... No, let's use a different phrasal verb considering the subject matter here. I stumbled across — much better — a quote from John Bayley, the (long-suffering?!) husband of the late Irish-British novelist Iris Murdoch. Bayley thought that sex was "inescapably ridiculous", in contrast to Murdoch who, it is said, had multiple affairs with both men and women.

Indeed ... (Image from me.me)

Bayley's "inescapably ridiculous" reference to sex resonated with me. 

I've had a number of sexual partners, the majority being more one-night stands than anything more regular albeit, and I struggle to remember a time when I found intercourse truly enjoyable. Most previous 'engagements' were more like jobs that had to be done rather than immensely pleasurable acts.

More by accident than design

This isn't to say I was purely "selfish" about it, just in a race to reach my climax, to heck with her. Well, perhaps it was less so than by design in all honesty, but I did satisfy my playing partners before I was "done" on a number of occasions — unless they're good fakers/liars, which would never be the case, surely?

Of course, the men's problem, if we view it as such, is that when we reach the "point of no return" so to put it, we have to wait a while to get going again. Women, so it goes, can have multiple orgasms if men (or whoever) can be bothered to take them there.

"Having sex is not the be-all and end-all."

The thing is, referring back to Bayley, I don't tend to long for sex. When I see friends basically fretting about how long it has been since they last did it, I'm rather indifferent. It's not, quite literally, something that keeps me awake at night.

It could be that I just haven't met the right person to properly "get it on with". I could equate it to the time I explained to a friend that my feeling when taking a certain drug was usually unspectacular at best, he suggested I hadn't been getting it at the right potency.

Yet, my own experiences and the relationship hardships I've seen other acquaintances deal with would make me believe that the right person is a bit of a fantasy. You have to let a lot go, settle for certain things if you want to convince yourself he/she is the right person. The way it is for many things in life, really.

Avoidably ridiculous

Now, my rather conservative Irish Catholic background undoubtedly plays a part in this sex indifference (Colombia is traditionally a Catholic country as well, but as I wrote before, that influence has manifested itself quite differently here in many aspects).

The mere mention of the word makes Irish people of a certain generation somewhat uncomfortable. This doesn't mean, however, that they don't enjoy it.

For me, it's certainly not the be-all and end-all as some of my peers seem to believe.

Unlike Bayley, though, I view it as "avoidably ridiculous" these days. For now at least.
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Colombia and Ireland — a tale of two old Catholic countries

One of the connections that can be made between Colombia and Ireland is the significant influence the Catholic Church has had on the two countries. Now, while this can be seen as a similarity, how that Roman authority manifested itself in both states has been quite different.

It’s true to say that, these days, the Church’s power is very much on the wane in the two republics, perhaps much more so in Ireland than Colombia based on what we’ve seen and who we’ve spoken to here in the latter location. 

However, after dominating for so long, the residue of its long reign remains pretty strong in the minds of those brought up with its teachings.

Sure just showing up for religious events is all that's needed, right?

In terms of how Catholic each state has been, it could be said that in the last 20 years or so, in an Irish context anyway, we’ve been outwardly drifting away from Rome yet inwardly staying quite close to the Church’s beliefs and morals. 

From our experiences here in Colombia, the opposite appears to be the case. Outwardly, many profess to be ‘strong Catholics’, yet in reality, their day-to-day practices betray this.

What we’re really getting at here are attitudes to relationships and, perhaps more appropriately in this regard, sex. It has been well documented – mocked even – the traditional Irish reluctance to just talk about sex let alone see it as something enjoyable/recreational. 

Sex before marriage, in line with Catholic thinking, was a big no, no. It should be used as a means to procreate, no more, no less, within a secure family unit. 

You don’t have to go back too long in Ireland’s past to find a time when the local priest – and by extension, the Catholic Church – was one of the most respected individuals in the community. His line on a host of issues, including sex, took precedence over many others.

In this context, considering most "Fathers'" lack of practical knowledge in the whole sex area (let’s leave all the abuse scandals out of this for now) an awkwardness, embarrassment even, on the subject permeated through Irish society. 

The effects of this may be losing significance in 21st-century Ireland but it’s true to state that, for some, the old uneasiness about love-making remains.

Contrast this with Colombia. As alluded to above, numerous people here – and we’re talking specifically about those in their early 20s up to their late 30s – speak and superficially act a good Catholic game, something you’re less inclined to find among those in the same age bracket in Ireland. 

Basically, they are regular churchgoers and bless themselves all the time with that double or treble sign of the cross manoeuvre followed by kissing their thumb or something like that. It certainly looks the part, as if they mean it.

Just missing the 'ours' Mr & Mrs Brady.

Yet, their attitudes to premarital sex – thankfully, many might say – are far more liberal, free-spirited if you will. 

No doubt they are aware of Rome’s line on the subject but because, perhaps, it just doesn’t seem to make natural sense to them, they overlook it. It could be seen as one good instance where the Colombian tendency not to stick to the "rules" is beneficial.

Expanding into relationships in general, the number of ‘mine, yours and ours’ Catholic/Christian families here in Colombia seems to be, anecdotally speaking, practically the norm. That is a family where the mother has a child/children from a different relationship (the mine), as does her husband (yours) while they also have offspring that they created together (ours). 

Then, of course, you still have plenty of single-mother families where the father provides support – if he does at all – from a distance while he also caters for the other children he has with other women. You can be hard-pressed to find a family where both parents are in their first marriage and any children they have are "products" of both.

We’re not saying that the traditional family unit is all that exists in Ireland – of course not. But in general, an Irish husband and wife do appear to be more reluctant to go their separate ways, especially when there are children involved, compared to Colombians – in a number of cases that’s often to the detriment of all involved. Sometimes it’s better for mind and body to realise the game is up.

'Father knows best, my child.'

So two old Catholic countries they may be, but how that association has shaped their social development has been quite different. 

It could be argued that the Irish tendency to maintain the traditional family unit is better for society in general.

However, our traditional awkwardness, if you will, of the whole sex area has had mixed results. 

In one, perhaps positive, sense, it may have seen us take a more considered approach regarding whom we jumped into bed with – it may have, that is. In another way, for some, the art was practically demonised. Not too healthy for mind and body that.

Issues and problems are bound to arise when you take counsel from those who know relatively little about the subject area in question. 

As many Colombians have learned, sometimes it’s best to go with your natural instincts.

*For related articles, see: "'Mi Amor' - or perhaps not?" http://bit.ly/NsJyB5 & 'Strength in Belief' http://bit.ly/OPvJBC

A matter of protection

There is that old adage that ‘the best things in life are free’. In a number of ways, this still holds true, depending, of course, on your preferences. 

For example, you can have a refreshing, relaxing walk in the open countryside, trek up a mountain or spend some quality time with family and friends. In most scenarios, these things should cost you little or nothing yet empower your body and mind. 

It's called 'Plan B', below, for a reason. Go with 'Plan A', above, first.

Some people, naively, like to throw sexual intercourse into this category. OK, in its basic natural form, in the actual moment, love-making is free (for another take on free love see http://bit.ly/MtWh7T). That is, if you’re doing it unprotected. But there are many obvious inherent risks in such practices — all of which have the potential to come with a hefty price down the line.

For several men, in a time when, it can be argued, the contraceptive options for our female counterparts are more plentiful, it is more desirable to opt for unprotected sex. It’s more natural. Fumbling around with a condom is, pun intended, a bit of a stretch. 

There’s the belief that women’s contraception is less interfering in the love-making process yet far more effective. That, indeed, may be true from a birth-control point of view. However, if you are the sleeping-around type, you can never be too well protected when it comes to sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Outside of that, though, leaving all the responsibility to avoid an unwanted pregnancy on one side is not alone taking a big chance, but it’s also very foolish and selfish. If you do the crime — or play a significant part in it — you should be prepared to do the time. Or at least contribute towards ‘fixing’ things. 

Plus, you can never be fully certain as to what your partner’s desires are, regardless as to whether it is a casual or more long-term relationship. Playing things ultra-safe is always the best option in this regard.
 

Because with casual, unprotected sex can come unplanned, unwanted, pregnancies. 

If this happens to become your fate i.e. due to a lack of responsibility you’re facing becoming a father before you’re really ready, the options are stark for you and your accomplice. Let nature take its course or abort. Neither can be taken lightly — indeed, as you know, the latter choice is not easily or readily available to all.

From a man’s perspective, especially one not wishing to become a father, abortion is often seen as the least-bad option. From the woman’s side, we can only imagine it leaves both physical and psychological scars. 

We haven’t, though, mentioned the third party in all of this. For those in the pro-life camp the most fundamental aspect: the developing embryo. From a biological perspective, it can be hard to argue against the belief that once the sex cells have successfully fused, the initial sparks of life emerge.

So, as a result of two people’s lazy, irresponsible actions a new life can be created when it could have been, in most cases, prevented. 

Yes, in such circumstances, it may be better for all involved, including the unborn, to terminate the pregnancy before it gets a chance to fully develop. 

A child should, after all and where possible, be born into a loving relationship with both father and mother accepting responsibility. Problems tend to emerge where this is lacking — although, we must state, not always. 

What all this essentially boils down to is the advice from one of the oldest sayings in the book. Prevention is better than cure. 

If that proves too difficult a task, then the following may come into play: 'If you’re sowing your wild oats at night, pray for crop failure in the morning.'