'I do care but that doesn't make me a great carer'

@wwaycorrigan

[For an audio/vlog version of this story, click here.]

For those of us lucky enough to see our parents live to what's generally considered a decent age, this does come with their inevitable sad decline, both mentally and physically.

Master of his herd. Or maybe not.

From being the guardians and providers of their children, the roles then get reversed in many families. It's the offspring who become the guardians of the parents.

There is, though, one major difference: Most parents who care for their children do so with the expectation that their young ones will grow up to become self-sufficient, to be independent (as independent as one can be, that is).

With elderly parents — and the elderly in general — it's the opposite. The trajectory is towards dependence. It's like they become children again. In some cases, they require as much care as newborns. Of course, not all elderly go the same way before they breathe their last. Some do remain active and with it up to their final months and days.

Care necessities

With my own parents, at the risk of sounding facetious here, if we could merge my mother's physical fitness with my father's mental acuity, we'd have a fairly robust individual — robust considering the ages in question anyway. My mother is a few years shy of her 80th birthday, my father is already an octogenarian.

As it is, a life of toil appears to have taken its toll on the body of my father. That and arthritis. As for my mother, she's afflicted with Alzheimer's, the 'disease that gnaws away at the kernel of who you are, leaving only the dry empty husk of the person you love behind', as I heard it accurately, if depressingly, put recently.

All this makes for visits to my parents that are more melancholic than filled with the making of new, positive, memorable moments. It's hard not to think back to livelier times, even if they weren't always happy. Nostalgia can be rather nefarious.

That I haven't regularly seen my parents over the last decade-plus plays a part in this.

'My mother used to be able to find anything. She was like St Anthony's representative on Earth. Now she's the one who misplaces almost everything.'

There's also the fact that my own situation is far from stable. Over the last few years, I've done more pondering than producing. Indeed, returning to the house I grew up in to help out on the farm and whatnot is, in a way, a welcome departure. And, somewhat shamefully, I'm happy to avail of the rent-free board. However, this positivity is nothing more than temporary. After a few days, it brings little to no satisfaction because of my overall uncertainty. I start to think I'm better off lost in Colombia's llanos than lost in Lisacul.

I wager such thoughts are made worse by the fact that I am childless. Were I a father, I probably wouldn't be in a position to be under the same roof as my parents for weeks on end. Also, I most likely wouldn't have the time nor the luxury to be so reflective. Or to be picky about potential employment. One can be guilty of overthinking.

Omniscient offspring

Yet, even if my own situation were more stable, I don't think I'd make for a great carer, even just occasionally, of my now more dependent parents.

With my mother, as much as I know that there's a disease taking over her brain, I still find it difficult to overlook all the frustrating things she says and does.

From somebody who seemed to be able to find anything — she was like St Anthony's representative on Earth — now she's the one who misplaces almost everything.

One dubious positive with her condition is that any disagreement or argument we may now have is forgotten by her moments later. If only this had been the case when I was a teenager.

In my father's case, while he's clearly physically impaired, he is largely refusing to accept that he can't operate like he did even just ten years ago. While I wish he would scale down what he has to manage to levels that he can personally carry out, he's still scaling up.

OK, I think I understand the mindset. To show weakness is to become weak. So he's manifesting strength and growth.

The problem is, he needs assistance for many of the tasks under his control. Caring for the cattle he currently has is, at times, beyond his capabilities. Yet, right now, he's firing ahead with what I consider to be an unnecessary, fairly substantial farmyard construction project. From what I can see, there's more than enough to keep him busy if he tried to clean up and organise what he already has — fix what's already broken. Or at least what's already terribly untidy.

It's why I find it difficult to enthusiastically offer a helping hand. But hey, if it makes him happy, fine.

We could do with a version of this for the elderly.

Thinking about all this does remind me of a sign that used to hang in our kitchen when I was a child: 'Teenagers, tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now! Move out, get a job, pay your bills while you still know everything.'

A version for those in their twilight years would run something like this: 'Senior citizens, tired of being harassed by your stupid adult children/relatives? Act now! Downsize, hire non-judgemental home help and enjoy what's left of your hard-earned money while you still can.'

'While you still can', indeed. We all must succumb at some stage.
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The care necessities: Dealing with old age

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

For most of us, although tragically not all, dealing with the death of our parents is as unavoidable as our own death.

How we care for our elderly is set to become an even greater issue in the years ahead. (Image from Pexels.)

Same body, different mind

While the actual passing of a mother and/or a father is, I can only imagine at this stage, tough to shoulder, what can be just as difficult is seeing those who reared us deteriorate in health before they breathe their last.

This deterioration, of course, is both physical and mental. On the former, it can be quite a shock to see elderly parents after a protracted period of time, noticing how frailer and slower they've become.

Yet, it is mental loss that is arguably more difficult to come to terms with. This is not to make little of physical decline. If assistance is needed for minor everyday tasks — getting in and out of bed, personal hygiene and suchlike — not only is this sad to see but it requires an amount of time-consuming, potentially costly care and logistics.

However, when the mental degeneration is more than just standard senility, it can be harder to cope with and manage. I mean this in terms of actual interaction with the sufferer. And I'm referring to dementia in its various forms.

'The hope is that we can be as active and "with it" as close to our death as possible.'

We may understand in theory that there's a disease afflicting the mind of our loved one but seeing it played out for real on a regular basis can be taxing and troubling. It can test our own mental strength, our patience.

By all accounts, it's like interacting with a completely different person, a stranger. Yes, it's the body of the one you knew, you loved, you quarrelled with, but the behaviours and utterances are alien. It can break the strongest of bonds.

So it's not surprising that many families prefer to send a loved one with dementia to a care home, even if this is against the wishes of the sufferer and there are sufficient siblings to "burden share". 

While the mental decline is severe, he/she may be in good physical shape. Thus, living with the condition could go on for years.

Describing such a person as a 'burden' might sound heartless but the reality is, in most instances, pretty much that.

Going down with dignity

Coming up to my 38th birthday, I feel that if this debilitating dementia were to be my lot — it is on the maternal side of my family — I'd like to be able to end my existence as soon as it started becoming problematic and my being offered no positive contribution to society (I am contributing positively right now, aren't I?). Of course, it's one thing saying this now, quite another if and when such a scenario arises.

On a broader level, caring for our elderly when such care is required is something that is going to increase in scale across the world in the coming decades.

The hope is that we can be as active and "with it" as close to our death as possible.

For me and my peers, we should already be working towards that aim. 

Yes, there are still many unknowns as to the best way to get there, but we have plenty of pointers to at least be on a more beneficial path.
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Listen to The Corrigan Cast podcast here.

Facebook: Wrong Way Corrigan — The Blog & IQuiz "The Bogotá Pub Quiz".