Set on singlehood

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

A few weeks ago on BBC Radio 2's Jeremy Vine Show, there was a discussion about lifelong singletons.

Better off alone? For the moment, yes!

Considering my relationship status and general outlook, the topic piqued my interest.

Not in it to win it

While there were few nuggets of wisdom from the "expert" contributor and various callers, I certainly could resonate with the observation that non-single folk tend to make assumptions about those of us going it alone.

Chief among them is the questioning of one's sexuality. Regardless of sexual preference, the idea that an individual might be simply content not to be hooked up or constantly playing the dating game appears to be unthinkable for some. 'There must be something deeper at play.' Or so it goes.

For me, the main reason I'm single — in terms of things that are within my control in any case — is that I find dating a tedious affair. Thus, if one isn't really playing the game then one can hardly expect to "win" it.

OK, I do dabble in some dating apps, mostly out of boredom and curiosity, and I do get matches. Yet, even if the initial conversation is promising, I usually lose interest very quickly.

'Here in Colombia, if any potential suitor were happy for the wining and dining to take place in my beloved barrios, then we might be on to a winner. Alas, very few appear up for that.'

Obviously, the idea is to arrange an actual physical meeting but, based on previous form, I generally come to the conclusion that it'll be a waste of time and money. Once bitten and all that (see, for one, https://wwcorrigan.blogspot.com/2017/05/a-prostitute-by-any-other-name.html).

People may point to the frequently cited "commitment issues". That might be a factor yet, like in anything, one wants to see some potential in the project before committing.

It must be noted that my current location plays a part in all this, too. I live fairly frugally in a country where many women — the ones I often meet anyway — expect the man to lavishly wine and dine them from the get-go. And to do so indefinitely.

For sure, bringing it back to basics for a moment, the male of the species in the majority of cases has to do much of the initial wooing. The task is to convince the female that he has the right attributes to father offspring. As advanced as we Homo sapiens are — some of us anyway — these instincts are still at play, even if procreation is not the desired goal.

In modern times, this generally means financial security, a solid career, popularity, reliability and such like, regardless of the country.

Foreign woes

Here in Colombia, if any potential suitor were happy for the aforementioned wining and dining to take place in my beloved barrios (see https://wwcorrigan.blogspot.com/2021/08/bogotas-perpetual-corner-bar-barrio.html), then we might be on to a winner. Alas, very few appear up for that.

This isn't to say that available women don't frequent these barrios. Of course they do. It's just many of them, from my observations, prefer to stick to their own tribe, particularly so when they realise the "exotic" foreigner is not as wealthy as their preconceptions had led them to believe. 'You're not loaded, you don't dance. Next.'

Therefore, I might actually have a better chance of finding a relationship companion in a country with less inequality. That's the theory in any case.

In one aspect, however, having a partner in Colombia could potentially save me money. Or at least save me from entering into risky compromises. I could use it as a reason to refuse these regular loans I've been giving out over the last few years (see https://wwcorrigan.blogspot.com/2021/10/the-barrio-banker.html). 'Sorry, marica, but I've no money left to lend, I've spent it all on the missus.' Something to that effect.

Do I see myself being a lifelong singleton? Well, I'm no clairvoyant but the 19 years of adulthood I've had thus far suggest the safer bet is to be on the yes side of that question. And, as alluded to, I'm not desperately trying to change my current relationship status.

Nonetheless, one never truly knows what the future holds.
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Ignoring is bliss

As the old saying goes, 'Ignorance is bliss.' 

While there may be times when this is not the case, more often than not it holds true. You can't really get upset, worry, whatever, about something you are completely unaware of.

Yet these days, with information available at the touch of a button or the slide of a screen for many of us, it is difficult, in theory, to be ignorant. 

Fair enough, the information we get might not be truthful, but the fact remains that it can be rather easily found on pretty much any subject, at any time.

It's not worth it, lad! (Image from wikihow.com.)

Thus, in this information-rich age, the adage could be tweaked a little to, 'Ignoring is bliss.' 

From a news point of view, what we're getting at here is not complete ignoring per se (although, at times, this could be a good tactic), it's to be more questioning of what you read and hear. Don't take things as 'gospel' just because they come from an approved source. We've plenty of recent examples that underscore the value of such an approach.

In another sphere, ignoring isn't just a good option, it's the only option. What we're referring to here is when you're trying to move on from what has proven to be a failed relationship. 

In the past, time and/or distance was probably enough for you to more or less permanently close a chapter of your life with someone with whom things just didn't work out. 'Out of sight, out of mind', so to put it.

However, the problem today is, in the absence of taking the step to delete every social media contact you have for the person in question — a measure some of us are too, um, proud to do — putting someone you once had some feelings for completely out of (virtual) sight and, as a result, mind is very difficult to do.

Indeed, this becomes nigh on impossible when that other person makes contact every now and again, engages for a while, then disappears. (So even if you have deleted her contacts across all platforms, she can still pester you.) 

It's similar to, you could say, the old prank of ringing somebody's doorbell and then running away. It's a trait that, from personal experience and anecdotal evidence, a significant number of Colombianas display.

One can only assume they get some sort of odd enjoyment out of it, like the doorbell-ringing young children. Immature it certainly is in any case — and a lot of the time we're talking about university-educated, professionals here. (Then again, that doesn't necessarily mean much; some behaviours run deep in the blood.)

The best, nay only, defence strategy in such a silly game, therefore, is our refusal to engage — regardless of how superficially beautiful the one we're (not) dealing with is. 

That is to say, to ignore. Not to do so means we're only on to a frustrating loser.

*For a related article, see Defenders of the unfaithful.
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Defenders of the unfaithful

While there are those who take a zero-tolerance approach to relationship cheating, there are others who give it something of a scale of seriousness. 

True enough, a willingness to give some leeway in the event of a breach of trust might reflect that you weren’t that serious about the relationship in the first place, and may even be inclined to do likewise yourself, but this isn't necessarily always so.

Lost dog or top dog? (From Facebook.)

Whatever the case, at the lowest end of this cheating scale, for those prepared to use it, is 'the mistake with regret'. 

An example here would be a drunken kiss with somebody. The guilty party isn't fully with it when the misdemeanour occurs, it isn't really actively pursued and it's something that gives rise to immediate shame for doing it. For the doves amongst us, this can be forgiven pretty quickly (although a far less tolerable attitude will come into play for repeat offenders).

Moving up the scale, we've got the vindictive cheat. This is actively sought, thus making it much worse than above, yet it's done because the person feels badly hurt by their partner, perhaps after a big argument. 

It's not to say that they have no feelings for the one they've cheated on, it's more an act of punishment to readdress the hurt. The door to reconciliation is still ajar, if both sides are willing to go through it.

On from that, leading the way on the negative side of our scale is the couldn't-care-less cheating. It's pretty impossible to resurrect a relationship after this one. Basically, it's cheating done with blatant disregard for the other half, their feelings registering not a beat in the heart of the cheater.

Now yes, it could be a case where this type of offender never felt in anything close to a relationship; unrequited love so to put it. If that's made clear from the get-go, then fair enough. But no, here we're referring to people who had said openly they were in a relationship and generally pretended to act as such. 

This is what makes it particularly severe, as it implies the romance was nothing but a charade, just a little game at the very most; 'use and abuse' being the motto to follow.

Looking at it from the way things seem to play out here in Colombia — where unfaithfulness and cheating, it could be argued, are more common than in other parts (see Republic of Jealousy & http://bit.ly/13VtSAZ for example) — a good approach is to try not to get too emotionally involved, don't take things seriously. That, of course, can be easier said than done.

Nonetheless, overcoming problems, be they of a cheating nature or otherwise, are part of a lasting relationship. Plus, we do have the old saying that 'it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.' 

On the flip side, there's the adage of 'not missing what you never had.' Perhaps there's a happy medium? It might just require a mindset change for some.
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Safety alert! Love building with shoddy scaffolding

There is a poem by the late Irish Nobel laureate, Seamus Heaney, entitled Scaffolding. In it, he explains how builders rely heavily on scaffolding to aid them in the early stages of construction. (OK, they may be able to build something without it, but it's unlikely to be anything of note.)

Then, once the edifice is built, down come the temporary assists, discarded more or less for good, save for the odd repair every now and again.

Scaffolding: important, but at what price? (Photo from Facebook.)

For Heaney, scaffolding is a metaphor for the early stages of a relationship. 

When you have a budding romance, the flowers, the chocolates, the dinners, the holidays, all that kind of stuff is similar to scaffolding. Vitally important at first, but once all necessary external works are completed and the 'love nest' is free-standing, what were once seen as romance essentials are then largely forgotten about.

Of course, before you go building any construct, prudent practice is to do a cost analysis. And when it's a partnership, as any aspiring romance must be, the costs should be split. Or at the very least there should be some give and take in both the initial investment and subsequent labour. If the burden involved is falling all on one side, well the project is pretty much doomed.

This is one of the biggest issues facing many Western men in Colombia. The 'princess mentality' is still strong in these parts. The thoughts of anything approaching 50-50 are non-existent.

In such an environment, it's not too difficult to understand how a male-chauvinist culture exists. When you have a partner who shows very little in the way of being equal, it's then difficult to treat her as such.

The attitude that some men may have when dating these types, in its mildest form, is that they're with an escort girl rather than actually going out with somebody by mutual consent. In stronger forms, and as oft happens, the door to abuse is left open.

There's a lot at play in all of this. As mentioned, Colombia and Latin America in general still have societies that are largely male-dominated, more so than many Western countries in any case. 

What's more, from personal experience and anecdotal evidence — allowing for a few refreshing exceptions — many women seem content, in monetary terms, to be submissive. And when there are plenty of men willing to pay for their every need (it's what we're for, isn't it?) you can't blame them really.

You see, one of the principal rules of reproduction, as this is what it basically comes down to, hasn't changed since our caveman days: the dominant male gets the lion's share. 

What has changed in modern society is how that dominant male rises to the top. 

While physical strength and cunning can still play a role, what is more significant now is money and prestige, alongside, importantly in this context, a strong belief in monogamy. The latter mitigates against a few powerful, rich males sweeping the board so to put it.

Whatever the case, Heaney's belief in the importance of 'romance scaffolding' is hard to argue with. 

However, both the cost and reliability of it seem to be a little different in certain parts of the world compared to others.
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Light-touch romance

The Wrong Way approach to dating, or more appropriately trying to set up dates, has been to follow in some ways the economic policy of light-touch regulation. A laissez-faire style; beating about, um, the bush rather than grabbing it by the hands you could say.

In one sense it's a personality trait. If a woman doesn't initially take the bait so to put it, the desire to persist quickly wanes. One doesn't want to come across as desperate after all; pride is at stake.

'So you're telling me there's a chance?!' Um, perhaps not ... (Image from wikihow.)

Yet, we are talking about the game of love, or at least a game of attraction, and in Colombia they like to play it as much as anywhere, if not more so (well, some sort of version of it anyway). And once a Colombiana feels she has the upper hand, you're entering into dangerous territory. 

Indeed, in many ways, the game is up. (And do recall there is the Colombian princess mentality, with a vicious streak, that has to be factored into this also.)

So basically, that's why I try not to engage in it too much. Something either happens early doors or it doesn't happen at all; case closed, you move on (save for the odd ill-advised late night WhatsApp/Facebook message).

Further to that, as an expat acquaintance here mused to me — and I apologise in advance for the crudeness of this — 'once you tap a hole, you're in control', so the longer that doesn't happen the greater the chance of things getting out of hand. That theory may require more in-depth analysis but let's leave that for now.

Thus, putting all that together, there have been a number of doors left slightly ajar but not "aggressively" pursued. An interest is shown, yet not to the point where you're jumping through fire rings to demonstrate your desire. As the pop group the Black Eyed Peas put it, 'meet me halfway', por favor.

Yes, there are always the thoughts that a new strategy might be needed; after all, one definition of stupidity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results. 

However, this is balanced out by the feeling that this is how I roll and while things could always be better, they're not too bad at the moment either. I'm relatively in control.

*There are plenty of previous posts that relate to what's here, but one place to start is Love fool.
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Appreciating the gutter

The first step in solving a problem, so it is said, is realising you have one. It pretty much stands to reason really. You've got to know what you're trying to fix before you begin to fix it.

Yet, for some things, what one person sees as a problem, or at least feels it is an issue that needs modifying, may not be a cause for concern for another.

One of the best 'beer gardens' going in Bogotá: Fernando's, aka Las Panelas.

Take my well-documented liking for socialising in Bogotá's working-class barrios, or more specifically speaking La Perseverancia, as has predominantly been the case over the last year or so.

For some expats and well-heeled locals, they see such behaviour as somewhat of a problem. And it's not all to do with safety reasons, where they may have valid reasons on occasions (but where is that not a concern in Bogotá or most major cities?). 

No, it's more to do with the social aspect of it. That is to say, as a relatively young (I'll still class myself as such), single guy, I am doing myself a disservice by spending time in such places.

The chief reason being, gauged on the advice from other classier men, is that I won't find appropriate women in these locations. The way they see it, I'm wasting valuable time in the quest to find my true love by frequenting Bogotá's 'dives'.

Bolirana: What you might call a Colombian dart board.

OK, they have a point. It's unlikely I'm going to find 'the woman I've been looking for' (eh, who?) in the likes of La Perse, especially when the chicas who live there don't appear to socialise much. For there are some fine, if a little cold and flaky, ladies in these barrios. Do note that as regards flaky, there isn't really a class divide in these parts for that particular trait.

Yet, trips to the fancier ends of town don't yield greater results or, as far as I'm concerned, a better quality of woman. Indeed, paradoxically in a way, they often churn out types who are more concerned about money and image than those from the poorer neighbourhoods, with a dollop of arrogance thrown in on top.

Notwithstanding that, the chief reason I continue to hang out in working-class barrios more so than others is that, and this surprises some, I actually enjoy it; a feeling that thus far hasn’t shown signs of dissipating.

Innocent, uncomplicated fun.

This comes down to the fact that I find the people very friendly. From a La Perseverancia perspective – although it’s not exclusive to there – it has a community vibe to it. It’s what you might call ‘el campo en la ciudad’, 'the countryside in the city'. And being a countryman by birth and at heart, I feel at home in such places in the midst of a chaotic city.

In contrast, in La Candelaría/Las Aguas, where I currently live, it’s a little more solo in this regard. A big reason for that is because it’s the city’s tourism epicentre and to have a foreign face there makes it more difficult to become part of the place or an accepted local.

Many Colombians in La Candelaría see no difference between a flying visitor and somebody here on a longer-term basis. (It must be said that after over three years floating around the historic city centre, this is now less so the case for me. However, the process of assimilation happened much more quickly and with more depth in La Perseverancia.)

As for Bogotá’s exclusive locations, well they just tend to leave me cold, and, at times, angry.

Romance wise? I’m single and enjoying life, things are fine. That ‘single ship’ is rocked on occasions, but there hasn’t been a really strong reason to jump from it just yet.

Now, where’s the problem?

Love fool

The default mode for most Irishmen has traditionally been to show a cold, hard exterior, especially in matters of the heart. Or more specifically, issues surrounding romance.

Things are a little hazy right now.

It’s generally something we’ve subscribed to over the years. 

Now this is not to say that we suppress emotions – not a healthy thing to do that, obviously. No, we just tend to deal with them internally. A '‘tis our business and ours only' kind of approach; and the majority of time we feel this is not a bad way to go. Heck, we’ve made it this far, just about.

However, considering we’re in a place that’s a bit more, let’s say, "emotionally liberal", we’re going to deal with some personal romantic issues here.

You could perhaps blame this softened approach on the Colombian air we’re once again breathing – well, that and the local chicas, or ladies if you will. 

That withstanding, this could be seen as an advisory tale and we always like to help where we can; we’re just not sure what the advice actually is.

As regular readers will be aware (cue long, awkward silence), we were back in the homeland between August and early November this year. A family wedding drew us back while visa issues coupled with doubts as to our next move kept us there a bit longer than we had initially expected; well, that and Mammy’s cooking, of course.

Before we left, we had met a girl here in Bogotá who seemed to tick a lot of the right boxes for us. Indeed, we thought she was so cool that we were happy not to let her Santander background bias our thoughts; we like to live dangerously from time to time.*

While we seemed to be getting on well, we were never anything other than casual partners; the fact that our departure date for Ireland was looming together with uncertainty as to whether we would be returning to Colombia or not played a big part in this.

So when we did leave, it was a case of let’s see what happens. We did keep in regular, practically daily contact via Facebook and the occasional Skype call. Thus, we stayed on each other’s radar in a sense.

A quite significant spanner was thrown into the works at the end of September when our friend (we’ll call her Colombiana from here on) told us she had met someone else. On further examination, Colombiana told us that it wasn’t that serious, and we continued to stay in friendly contact.

Once we finally sorted out our next move, that being the default option of a return to Bogotá, we were quick to let Colombiana know our news. 

This was greeted with the extremely generous offer of picking us up from the airport (we’d never had anyone specifically come to a South American airport to collect us) along with the suggestion that we stay at her apartment for the first few days. Nice.

This left us under the impression that perhaps we could pick things up from where we had left them in August, maybe bring them a bit further.

However, we were left in the dark, until we arrived, about one rather important piece of information. Namely that the relationship with the guy Colombiana had met in September, who for the record is Spanish and not Colombian, had now advanced into a more serious stage. 

Well, put it this way, when a man decides he’s going to divorce his wife on the strength of meeting another woman, it does take on an element of seriousness, right?

Cheryl — worth fighting for? Probably.

Now, contrast that bold statement of intent with our heretofore laissez-faire attitude and you can, perhaps, understand why Colombiana went for the, what might be seen as, "steadier" option (we’ll put the divorce issue to one side for now – sure marriage these days isn’t what it used to be).

Needless to say our presence in her apartment for those first few days on our return – as generous as the offer was – wasn’t the most comfortable. Although, it must be pointed out that we’re still very much on friendly terms and we have met up since finding alternative accommodation.

So where does this leave us? Any serious analysis can’t ignore the fact that we were quite relaxed about our relationship before leaving. Or at least we thought we were; a first hearing of Passenger’s Let her go song on the flight back to Europe did resonate and left us pondering things somewhat.**

There is, though, the argument that we’re just lusting more for Colombiana now for the simple fact that she’s currently out of reach, in a romantic sense anyway. Verifying that, given the current circumstances, is not easy however.

There are generally two schools of thought as to what to do. Follow the Cheryl Cole (or should that be Tweedy once again?) lead and ‘fight for this love, for if it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for’.** Or we go with our tried, but not altogether trusted, laissez-faire attitude – whatever will be, will be.

The phrase ‘time will tell’ lets you know, perhaps, which one we’re leaning towards. 

Right, we’ve said enough. We’re reverting to type now and putting those emotions firmly back on the inside.
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*For a, um, light-hearted look at Colombian women's personality traits broken down by regions, see Colombia's locas http://bit.ly/XzHltA.

**You can check out Let Her Go by Passenger here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA; and for Cheryl Cole's Fight For This Love see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4umc87T5UMs.