Set on singlehood

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

A few weeks ago on BBC Radio 2's Jeremy Vine Show, there was a discussion about lifelong singletons.

Better off alone? For the moment, yes!

Considering my relationship status and general outlook, the topic piqued my interest.

Not in it to win it

While there were few nuggets of wisdom from the "expert" contributor and various callers, I certainly could resonate with the observation that non-single folk tend to make assumptions about those of us going it alone.

Chief among them is the questioning of one's sexuality. Regardless of sexual preference, the idea that an individual might be simply content not to be hooked up or constantly playing the dating game appears to be unthinkable for some. 'There must be something deeper at play.' Or so it goes.

For me, the main reason I'm single — in terms of things that are within my control in any case — is that I find dating a tedious affair. Thus, if one isn't really playing the game then one can hardly expect to "win" it.

OK, I do dabble in some dating apps, mostly out of boredom and curiosity, and I do get matches. Yet, even if the initial conversation is promising, I usually lose interest very quickly.

'Here in Colombia, if any potential suitor were happy for the wining and dining to take place in my beloved barrios, then we might be on to a winner. Alas, very few appear up for that.'

Obviously, the idea is to arrange an actual physical meeting but, based on previous form, I generally come to the conclusion that it'll be a waste of time and money. Once bitten and all that (see, for one, https://wwcorrigan.blogspot.com/2017/05/a-prostitute-by-any-other-name.html).

People may point to the frequently cited "commitment issues". That might be a factor yet, like in anything, one wants to see some potential in the project before committing.

It must be noted that my current location plays a part in all this, too. I live fairly frugally in a country where many women — the ones I often meet anyway — expect the man to lavishly wine and dine them from the get-go. And to do so indefinitely.

For sure, bringing it back to basics for a moment, the male of the species in the majority of cases has to do much of the initial wooing. The task is to convince the female that he has the right attributes to father offspring. As advanced as we Homo sapiens are — some of us anyway — these instincts are still at play, even if procreation is not the desired goal.

In modern times, this generally means financial security, a solid career, popularity, reliability and such like, regardless of the country.

Foreign woes

Here in Colombia, if any potential suitor were happy for the aforementioned wining and dining to take place in my beloved barrios (see https://wwcorrigan.blogspot.com/2021/08/bogotas-perpetual-corner-bar-barrio.html), then we might be on to a winner. Alas, very few appear up for that.

This isn't to say that available women don't frequent these barrios. Of course they do. It's just many of them, from my observations, prefer to stick to their own tribe, particularly so when they realise the "exotic" foreigner is not as wealthy as their preconceptions had led them to believe. 'You're not loaded, you don't dance. Next.'

Therefore, I might actually have a better chance of finding a relationship companion in a country with less inequality. That's the theory in any case.

In one aspect, however, having a partner in Colombia could potentially save me money. Or at least save me from entering into risky compromises. I could use it as a reason to refuse these regular loans I've been giving out over the last few years (see https://wwcorrigan.blogspot.com/2021/10/the-barrio-banker.html). 'Sorry, marica, but I've no money left to lend, I've spent it all on the missus.' Something to that effect.

Do I see myself being a lifelong singleton? Well, I'm no clairvoyant but the 19 years of adulthood I've had thus far suggest the safer bet is to be on the yes side of that question. And, as alluded to, I'm not desperately trying to change my current relationship status.

Nonetheless, one never truly knows what the future holds.
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A prostitute by any other name

The Oxford English Dictionary defines a prostitute as "A person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment."

The form of that payment is not explained, but it's safe to assume that it doesn't have to be upfront or even actual money. It could be payment in kind, as can happen in many other lines of work. 

Some journalists and writers, for example, start off working for no more than a few non-cash perks in order to get themselves established.

'Love' is stretching it a bit here! (Image from memegenerator.net.)

Of course, quite apart from prostitution, a young or wannabe journalist working in such a way doesn't deny that he/she is a journalist or trying to be one. That, obviously enough, would be self-defeating in terms of career progression.

What's more, most if not all people who work in these more accepted professions do so by choice; it's a safe bet that the majority working in prostitution would rather be in a different, um, position.

Also, considering the stigma attached to the word, some would be horrified to learn — outwardly anyway, that is — that what they are actually doing amounts to being a prostitute.

So what, um, boxes (sorry, we'll stop) does one have to tick to say that she is a prostitute? When you take the payment-in-kind side of it into account, it's a grey area indeed, open to a host of interpretation.

However, one important element has to be sentiment. If there is no sentimental attachment, no feeling of physical attraction (let's not even mention love), then we'd have to say it's sliding closer to prostitution, or at least the uninterested party is looking for some sort of gain.

Ideally it would all be clear cut. That is to say the more traditional prostitute, where it's payment upfront or as soon as the job is done.

Or, failing that, at least have it where both parties are left in no doubt as to the state of play: "I see that you are interested in me but I have no interest in you. However, I'm not in the best financial position right now so in return for having sex with me I will extract as much as I can from you in terms of financial assistance, in whatever form. Agree?"

The problem occurs when the lines are blurred. A charade of a relationship is maintained so that payments are given for services rendered or to be rendered, services that more than likely would not be made available if this financial assistance wasn't forthcoming.

Some will ask, with reason, that if the paying party gets what he wants out of it, a satisfied customer so to put it, then where's the issue? Well, there isn't one really. Just let's call it what it is: Prostitution. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

Yet for the 'charade relationship' there is a potential problem as the thin veneer comes off it, more than likely ending the pretence.

The thing is, most men like to think they don't have to 'pay for it'. However, as has been said here before, we pay for it in some way (not always financially), but most of the time it's not as blatantly obvious as 'traditional' prostitution.

Basically, if desire and sentimental attachment are missing in any relationship, you have to ask what's the point of it?

This brings us back to that earlier suggestion: If both parties feel they're getting something out of it, occasional pleasure for the man, the woman some payment, monetary or otherwise (maybe even some pleasure as well), then on it can go.

It's all about how it's perceived. Accentuate the positives and everything can be fine, within reason. The key, perhaps, to any relationship that.
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Defenders of the unfaithful

While there are those who take a zero-tolerance approach to relationship cheating, there are others who give it something of a scale of seriousness. 

True enough, a willingness to give some leeway in the event of a breach of trust might reflect that you weren’t that serious about the relationship in the first place, and may even be inclined to do likewise yourself, but this isn't necessarily always so.

Lost dog or top dog? (From Facebook.)

Whatever the case, at the lowest end of this cheating scale, for those prepared to use it, is 'the mistake with regret'. 

An example here would be a drunken kiss with somebody. The guilty party isn't fully with it when the misdemeanour occurs, it isn't really actively pursued and it's something that gives rise to immediate shame for doing it. For the doves amongst us, this can be forgiven pretty quickly (although a far less tolerable attitude will come into play for repeat offenders).

Moving up the scale, we've got the vindictive cheat. This is actively sought, thus making it much worse than above, yet it's done because the person feels badly hurt by their partner, perhaps after a big argument. 

It's not to say that they have no feelings for the one they've cheated on, it's more an act of punishment to readdress the hurt. The door to reconciliation is still ajar, if both sides are willing to go through it.

On from that, leading the way on the negative side of our scale is the couldn't-care-less cheating. It's pretty impossible to resurrect a relationship after this one. Basically, it's cheating done with blatant disregard for the other half, their feelings registering not a beat in the heart of the cheater.

Now yes, it could be a case where this type of offender never felt in anything close to a relationship; unrequited love so to put it. If that's made clear from the get-go, then fair enough. But no, here we're referring to people who had said openly they were in a relationship and generally pretended to act as such. 

This is what makes it particularly severe, as it implies the romance was nothing but a charade, just a little game at the very most; 'use and abuse' being the motto to follow.

Looking at it from the way things seem to play out here in Colombia — where unfaithfulness and cheating, it could be argued, are more common than in other parts (see Republic of Jealousy & http://bit.ly/13VtSAZ for example) — a good approach is to try not to get too emotionally involved, don't take things seriously. That, of course, can be easier said than done.

Nonetheless, overcoming problems, be they of a cheating nature or otherwise, are part of a lasting relationship. Plus, we do have the old saying that 'it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.' 

On the flip side, there's the adage of 'not missing what you never had.' Perhaps there's a happy medium? It might just require a mindset change for some.
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My true Bogotá love

Considering the, um, pop star-esque lifestyle I lead, I've been reluctant to get into a lasting relationship. You know, I'd lose a certain appeal (don’t laugh) if I was suddenly no longer 'on the market'.

However, it's time to come clean. To be honest, I had been trying to tell myself that this wasn't real love, it was all just a passing phase, but it's been obvious for some time now that this is not the case. In fact, it's well over two years since we started seeing each other and it's been as steady as the best of them.

Love is all around ...

It wasn't quite love at first sight, but things quickly got off the ground nonetheless. We've already got past that initial 'scaffolding building phase' and reached the point where we're now comfortable seeing each other much less than at first; a sign of a mature, real, trusting relationship that, something that's not easy to find, especially in a country where jealousy and insecurity are commonplace.

Now, she wouldn't be seen as the classiest in some people's eyes, but that's not a concern from my point of view. What's more, she's far from high maintenance — indeed, she's usually fairly generous, much more so than the average Colombiana, even with her limited resources (the very odd time she might ask me directly for money, but she's learning not to).

She has been a little improper with some of my expat mates — this is not to say she's unfriendly, it's just best if she only has to deal with no more than a couple of foreigners at any one time. 

She's also largely viewed in a bad light by those who may have never met her but have heard about her. But hey, who doesn't have a dark side? And love making one blind or impairing sound judgement this is not, I hasten to add. I just prefer to accentuate her positives, of which she has many.

It's not my style to make public declarations of love, yet my dearest La Perseverancia, you have been my Bogotá standard-bearer since we first accidentally crossed paths back in 2013. More reliable and understanding than any woman.

Regardless of what the future holds in store for us, you'll always have a special place in my heart.
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Love fool

The default mode for most Irishmen has traditionally been to show a cold, hard exterior, especially in matters of the heart. Or more specifically, issues surrounding romance.

Things are a little hazy right now.

It’s generally something we’ve subscribed to over the years. 

Now this is not to say that we suppress emotions – not a healthy thing to do that, obviously. No, we just tend to deal with them internally. A '‘tis our business and ours only' kind of approach; and the majority of time we feel this is not a bad way to go. Heck, we’ve made it this far, just about.

However, considering we’re in a place that’s a bit more, let’s say, "emotionally liberal", we’re going to deal with some personal romantic issues here.

You could perhaps blame this softened approach on the Colombian air we’re once again breathing – well, that and the local chicas, or ladies if you will. 

That withstanding, this could be seen as an advisory tale and we always like to help where we can; we’re just not sure what the advice actually is.

As regular readers will be aware (cue long, awkward silence), we were back in the homeland between August and early November this year. A family wedding drew us back while visa issues coupled with doubts as to our next move kept us there a bit longer than we had initially expected; well, that and Mammy’s cooking, of course.

Before we left, we had met a girl here in Bogotá who seemed to tick a lot of the right boxes for us. Indeed, we thought she was so cool that we were happy not to let her Santander background bias our thoughts; we like to live dangerously from time to time.*

While we seemed to be getting on well, we were never anything other than casual partners; the fact that our departure date for Ireland was looming together with uncertainty as to whether we would be returning to Colombia or not played a big part in this.

So when we did leave, it was a case of let’s see what happens. We did keep in regular, practically daily contact via Facebook and the occasional Skype call. Thus, we stayed on each other’s radar in a sense.

A quite significant spanner was thrown into the works at the end of September when our friend (we’ll call her Colombiana from here on) told us she had met someone else. On further examination, Colombiana told us that it wasn’t that serious, and we continued to stay in friendly contact.

Once we finally sorted out our next move, that being the default option of a return to Bogotá, we were quick to let Colombiana know our news. 

This was greeted with the extremely generous offer of picking us up from the airport (we’d never had anyone specifically come to a South American airport to collect us) along with the suggestion that we stay at her apartment for the first few days. Nice.

This left us under the impression that perhaps we could pick things up from where we had left them in August, maybe bring them a bit further.

However, we were left in the dark, until we arrived, about one rather important piece of information. Namely that the relationship with the guy Colombiana had met in September, who for the record is Spanish and not Colombian, had now advanced into a more serious stage. 

Well, put it this way, when a man decides he’s going to divorce his wife on the strength of meeting another woman, it does take on an element of seriousness, right?

Cheryl — worth fighting for? Probably.

Now, contrast that bold statement of intent with our heretofore laissez-faire attitude and you can, perhaps, understand why Colombiana went for the, what might be seen as, "steadier" option (we’ll put the divorce issue to one side for now – sure marriage these days isn’t what it used to be).

Needless to say our presence in her apartment for those first few days on our return – as generous as the offer was – wasn’t the most comfortable. Although, it must be pointed out that we’re still very much on friendly terms and we have met up since finding alternative accommodation.

So where does this leave us? Any serious analysis can’t ignore the fact that we were quite relaxed about our relationship before leaving. Or at least we thought we were; a first hearing of Passenger’s Let her go song on the flight back to Europe did resonate and left us pondering things somewhat.**

There is, though, the argument that we’re just lusting more for Colombiana now for the simple fact that she’s currently out of reach, in a romantic sense anyway. Verifying that, given the current circumstances, is not easy however.

There are generally two schools of thought as to what to do. Follow the Cheryl Cole (or should that be Tweedy once again?) lead and ‘fight for this love, for if it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for’.** Or we go with our tried, but not altogether trusted, laissez-faire attitude – whatever will be, will be.

The phrase ‘time will tell’ lets you know, perhaps, which one we’re leaning towards. 

Right, we’ve said enough. We’re reverting to type now and putting those emotions firmly back on the inside.
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*For a, um, light-hearted look at Colombian women's personality traits broken down by regions, see Colombia's locas http://bit.ly/XzHltA.

**You can check out Let Her Go by Passenger here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA; and for Cheryl Cole's Fight For This Love see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4umc87T5UMs.

'Mi amor'. Or perhaps not?

There is that old saying that actions speak louder than words. In most cases it holds true. In the game of love, you would think this is especially so. It’s relatively easy to utter the words ‘I love you’, but to actually mean it, backed up by deeds, is a different thing entirely. 

'Mi amor'. But where are you?

In Colombia, however, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Romantic sound bites are all the rage here. Both sexes roll them off the tongue effortlessly and there are many to choose from — mi amor (my love), mi vida (my life), mi cielo (my heaven/sky) to name just some.

Harmless stuff, you might say, and in essence it is, if you don’t take it seriously — a good rule-of-thumb that for most relationship-related things in this country. But for somebody who likes to live an honest life, the emptiness of such pronouncements is a tad nauseating. 

We can certainly play the game — to pick up, there tends to be no alternative option. It doesn’t take away from the fact, though, that it is all usually meaningless. 

This shouldn’t surprise us, however, as a number of Colombian women are about as shallow as the Pacific Ocean is deep. Image and posturing is everything. And when they decide they want to hang with a guy for a period of time, they must be fretted over constantly. 

In fact, their actions give a lot of support to the notion that equality between the sexes is a pointless pursuit. Where’s the equality when the man pays for everything?

In our ‘Colombia’s false friends’ post a couple of weeks back, we spoke about the two extremes you get in women’s behaviour here: The aloof type who you won’t hear from for weeks on end; or the ones who expect you to be on-hand 24/7 to cater for their every need. 

It must be pointed out here that these characteristics are not mutually exclusive. 

Indeed, if you find yourself on the receiving end of the cold-shoulder treatment, it more than likely means that your little chica is all over somebody else. Like a good dog, though, she’ll come back to you — for a time. 

Until, that is, another one of her grandmothers is dying, yet again. Something that might lead to your removal as a friend on Facebook. It’s an obvious reaction, right? Your grandmother has died so you delete your Irish ‘friend’ from a social networking site — a logical part of the mourning process that.

So little wonder that many Colombian men have a few women on the go at once. Not to do so is just plain unwise. 

It’s a bit of a vicious — or benign, depending on how you look at it — circle in operation. The women have such unrealistic demands and expectations, coupled with acute jealousy and insecurity, that they invariably push their man away, thus giving credence to the belief that the men are unfaithful. The lack of trust on all sides is palpable. 

One of the big problems is that relationships tend to start off at an unsustainable breakneck speed, meaning fatal crashes are habitually inevitable. The softly-softly approach doesn’t come into it whatsoever.

Now, after a time both observing as well as getting our toes wet in a romantic context here in Colombia, the question of incompatibility comes into it. 

Are we just programmed so differently compared to the Latina locas that trying to engage in a meaningful relationship is a senseless practice? Well, that’s certainly one conclusion to be drawn from it all. 

Mary: Green light to infidelity.

However, in all the superficiality and frustrations of the dating game here, a much more honest issue raises its head. That is the belief that it’s just not feasible — or healthy — for human beings to ‘stick’ to one partner for life. It goes against our basic instincts. 

Are we living a lie trying to think differently, that you can be happily faithful to one partner for all your life? The evidence would indicate so. 

We’re not suggesting breaking up the family unit altogether, but perhaps the stigma attached to extra-marital affairs shouldn’t be as strong as it is in many Western societies. A change every now and again is good. 

In fact, being away from someone or something for a while often makes you realise how much you rely on and appreciate that person or thing. True love never dies and all that. 

Heck, even the ‘Virgin’ Mary got so frustrated with Joseph that she hopped into bed with God at the first opportunity — it seems an honest carpenter is no match for a man that has it all. Considering all the hassle that has followed, she probably wishes she hadn’t ‘transgressed’.

That aside, maybe we should all, quite literally, enjoy our ‘relationship-rides’ while they last. Just don’t get too caught up in it all. And perhaps it’s best to leave the love superlatives out.

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For a related piece, see 'The wages of love'.