Colombia's cacophonies: motos, music and wandering salespeople

@wwaycorrigan

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Motorbikes and speakers. Such plagues on Colombia. They've turned what I imagine were once rather tranquil towns into hubs of headache-inducing noise.

Motorbikes: Wanted for crimes against tranquillity in Colombia.

Let's tackle speakers first — something I often wish to do literally, not just figuratively. It appears almost all bricks-and-mortar businesses, as well as private dwellings, have toddler-sized portable versions of these devilish devices, capable of beastly blasts that travel far and wide.

This intensifies in revelling zones, where each establishment competes to be heard above the other. The result is a racket that drives the sane amongst us mad after a brief exposure. Only with copious amounts of beer and/or aguardiente is this torture made more tolerable.

Unpleasant as it is to be within earshot of this music madness — a distance of a good kilometre is needed to escape the worst of it — it isn't incessant. Although it can be unpredictable. And there's always the risk of a noisy neighbour deciding at any time that those all around deserve to bask in his beats.

Moto madness

Added to this mix are the wandering salespeople who use megaphone marketing — usually in the form of a pre-recorded pitch on an endless loop — to advertise their wares to the masses. As nuisances go, though, these guys are mild.

Much less mild is the motorbike menace. In my current abode of San Martín de los Llanos, these motos, as the natives call them, start revving up from 5 am and continue until late at night. Mercifully, it's not constant; there are less active periods throughout the day. Nonetheless, when the motos make their moves, they are heard well before they are seen.

'It emits a hellish roar as if it's trying to escape Earth's gravitational pull.'

Not all motos are created equally, of course. The din from certain quieter ones is just about bearable. Alas, they are in short supply. The terrible-three worst offenders, the most ear-splitting, are the driller, the splutterer, and the rocketeer. That last type emits a hellish roar as if it's trying to escape Earth's gravitational pull, something that would no doubt send the bravest lion scampering for safety.

It must be why mongrels that otherwise are prone to chase tend to keep their distance from these moto monsters. Or the dogs may have simply got used to them by now. Indeed, it's the rarer sight of a human being walking that vexes the canines more so than the motos. That and the passing of another dog. This is the cue for a bout of barking that sends yet more noise into the Colombian air.

A site for sound

Yet, it appears most Colombians aren't too concerned about these cacophonies. They've become indifferent to this chaos, the commotion.

In fact, in my experience, many are more put out by visual pollution — see my previous post, Colombia's clothes-on-the-window bane, for more on that — than pollution of the eardrum-destroying variety.

OK, visual pollution can be, well, unsightly. It is, though, easier to avoid than noise — avert your gaze. What's more, something unsightly is much less likely to cause humans, as well as other animals, physical or mental harm.

The same cannot be said of excessive sound. It can disturb sleep, cause one to lose concentration, increase stress, bring about acoustic trauma, the list goes on. It's also more difficult to escape, unless one is locked away in a soundproof bunker. And that's not exactly a healthier alternative. Earbuds or noise-cancelling headphones, you say? They might provide occasional respite, but constantly using these things isn't good for one's hearing either.

Now, it must be said that there are towns of a more tranquil nature in Colombia. Not all suffer equally from these sound sores. The hotter, lower-lying lands are generally the worst offenders, particularly when it comes to the motorbike menace. One has a better chance of finding a more relaxed setting in the cooler, loftier Andean towns (special shout-out to Somondoco here!).

That aside, in practically all places where humans reside in Colombia, a sizeable speaker pumping out sounds is regularly within range. Tranquillity is but a brief interlude between the noise.
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Making Bogotá 'mejor para todos'

The last week in Bogotá saw a fair amount of uproar  —  and traffic disruption — following the decision by city authorities to ban motorcyclists from carrying male pillion passengers.

The measure, which applies to only certain sectors of the metropolis, is being introduced in a bid to curb (pun not really intended) street crime. You see, there is a chance in these parts that two men riding a motorbike are up to no good.

In Pablo Escobar's time, the wise move would have been to run for cover if you saw such a sight approaching. It mightn't be as dramatic these days, but there is a potential criminal risk all the same. Hence the move to outlaw them.

You just can't trust those who wear baseball caps ... (From Facebook.)

It's all part of Mayor Enrique Peñalosa's plans to build a Bogotá 'better for everyone' ('mejor para todos [y todas]', we mustn't leave out the ladies). These things take time.

To lend a helping hand in that pursuit (you can thank us later), here are another few brainwaves that should whip the city into line (she'll be a paradise in no time):

If the cap fits ...

Let's face it, anyone wearing a baseball cap is surely on the wrong side of the law. Well, except for the police officers who actually have them as part of their uniform. They are the law, of course.

Yet rounding up all others who wear them would no doubt result in a big reduction in crime.

It would also significantly reduce the number of people freely wandering about Bogotá. A win-win scenario if ever there was one.

Where would we keep all these captured young and not-so-young punks? We could send them to Venezuela. They'd feel right at home with President Nicolás Maduro and all the other crazy, baseball cap-clad politicians over there. Not only that, but it would help to provide a balance to the massive influx of Venezuelans to these parts, too. Let's get on it, post-haste.

Line out

Sticking with matters of the head (we're a thoughtful bunch), what about those lads with that James Rodríguez-style line in their hair? We have to question the motives of grown men who dare to care enough to do it. Line in the hair one day, up to lewd acts in public the next.

Out with them, we say. Or at least have them sent to the barbers to get the line shaved out.

You're kidding nobody with that look, James ... (From Facebook.)

No-child policy 

Nobody said cleaning up Bogotá was going to be easy. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

What we're calling for here is abortions for any pregnant stratum one or two women. The same for unemployed stratum-three women.

That should lead to a fall in the number of delinquents in the future.

Those in the other strata are fine. Colombia's more well-to-do classes don't commit crimes you see. You don't have to when everything's set up in your favour.

Queue chaos

OK, this one might be more of a personal crusade and may not actually improve things unlike the fine measures above. We're allowed one indulgence, though, aren't we?

It also could be seen as both drastic and almost impossible to implement, but hey, such concerns haven't stopped Colombian authorities before.

Basically, anyone who jumps a queue is to be sent for some sort of intense corrective coaching, which may or may not involve mild torture. This would likewise apply to those who block the doors of the Transmilenio, a particular bugbear of ours.

If introduced along with the measures above it would result in practically every inhabitant of Bogotá having to face the law. So be it. A city's gotta do what a city's gotta do.

We could suggest another few areas to 'come down on', but let's see how we get on with these solid proposals for the moment. We don't want to run the risk of turning the place into a police state. Firm but fair is how we see it.

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