A series of unfortunate events: When Bogotá bites back

@wwaycorrigan

[Listen to an audio version of this blog entry here.]

On last week's Bogotá Nights, we discussed insecurity in Colombia's capital city and the country in general.

One regular viewer, an Englishman who has been based in this country for nine years, told us how he was the victim of only one crime-related episode during that time.

The indestructible colectivo buses, scene of a few thefts.

Considering Colombia has been my home for a similar period — it'll be ten years this November — the Englishman's revelation shocked me somewhat. I've averaged over one incident a year. 

So have I been lacking in street smarts or just been particularly unlucky? Or have I taken too many risks?

It's really a mixture of all three, as my recounting here of some of these, to borrow from Lemony Snicket, 'unfortunate events' should demonstrate.

I'll start with the rookie errors, where I was just too relaxed, where I let the guard down, as I put it years ago. Then I'll detail the incidents that were more foolhardy in nature, buoyed up by Dutch courage at times — when one remembers that is.

Out of sight, out of mind

On those rare summer nights in Ireland when the temperature is in the comfortable zone, one faces that critical choice of whether or not to take a jacket when heading out. I recall a friend's take on it: 'Better looking at it than looking for it.'

That sound advice also applies to one's personal belongings when in public spaces in Bogotá, with one important addition: Not only must one's items be in sight but they must also be difficult to be got at by others.

In terms of monetary value, the theft of my Asus laptop in 2018 was the biggest hit I suffered on this front. I generally don't like to go socialising when I have my laptop with me but passing by a friend's place on my way home from a class, he suggested we go for a few drinks.

The smart move would have been to leave my bag with the laptop inside at his house. Wise after the event, hey? 

The fact we were in a middle-class part of the city meant I was, subconsciously perhaps, less concerned about something untoward happening.

'Causing a bit of commotion, I grabbed the guy who I thought was the culprit and insisted he got off the bus with me. He did.'

Sat at a table, I had my bag under my chair. A drink or two in, a couple of people walked by us, one of them hitting my shoulder, prompting me to look in that direction. 

A few moments later I reached down to where my bag was. Gone in about six seconds. And so were the couple who took it. A hit-and-run attack of sorts.

A similar bag-grab incident happened a few years earlier whilst drinking coffee with a friend in a fancy Oma café in the city centre. On that occasion, fortunately, there was little of value in the bag.

Equally as frustrating as the above was having my Samsung smartphone swiped from my pocket on a packed city bus.  

Again, I have to accept my own stupidity in the incident — 'dando papaya' as the Colombians say, ire-inducing for the victim to hear as it is.

Writing on my phone throughout the commute — trying to be constructive with my time — when it came to my stop, I put the phone in the chest pocket of the shirt I was wearing and reached for the bell. Returning my hand to the chest pocket, the phone was gone. That's all it took, those few seconds.

Considering the closeness of people to me, I was convinced I knew the culprit. Causing a bit of commotion, I grabbed him and insisted he got off the bus with me. He did.

He pleaded with me saying it wasn't him but I was having none of it. I was sure he had some part in it. 

We went to the nearest minutos street vendor — basically mobile phones for hire per minute — and called my number. A woman answered. I told her I just wanted my phone back, no more. We agreed on a meeting place. Not thinking straight, I let the guy I'd taken from the bus go and made my way to the rendezvous point.

Papaya, the low-hanging fruit. You've to pay for the ones pictured here, though!

Once there, I called my phone again. And again, the woman answered. She said she was on her way. I waited. Then after about ten minutes, I called once more. This time, it went straight to voicemail.

It was only then it dawned on me that the guy who I'd plucked from the bus had obviously caught up with his accomplice and told her that the 'idiot gringo' let him go. They were in the clear.

Whilst angry about losing the phone, I was just as furious about actually capturing one of the thieves and then letting him off the hook.

Out of sight, out of mind indeed. The lesson? On packed buses or the Transmilenio — I also had a smartphone taken from my pocket when squeezing onto a Transmilenio — have your valuables well locked up, either in a bag that you have a tight grip on or tucked into your crotch area.

Wild rover

Sometimes showing no fear can work to one's advantage. And consuming alcohol often imbues one with inflated confidence.

I've undertaken long walks home along dimly lit, eerie streets that in sobriety I'd most likely avoid. Remembering the exact details of these wild rovings is often a bonus. Nonetheless, most of the time, nothing happens. Most of the time, that is.

Two incidents, in particular, stand out owing to their that-could-have-been-much-worse nature.

'The next thing I remember is waking up on a footpath miles south of where I lived with two guys emptying my pockets.'

In 2012, my first full year here, I had the pleasure of being wined and dined at a Christmas party for the English language institute for which I freelanced at the time. The do was in the greater Zona T area, a relatively fancy part of the city.

When home-time came, I opted to take a bus back to my residence in the centre rather than fork out for a taxi on my own — taxis have always been a last resort for me.

Rather tipsy, I was happy to find a vacant seat on the bus. The next thing I remember is waking up on a footpath miles south of where I lived with two guys emptying my pockets — I had something like 60,000 pesos in cash and a very basic phone, worth about 30,000 pesos.

The assailants, rather kindly, did leave me with 500 pesos, about a third of the value of the standard bus fare back then.

Slowly gathering my bearings but not at all too sure as to where exactly I was, I had a bit of a wait for another bus to come by — it was the early hours of the morning after all.

Eventually, one that passed through the centre came along. Thankfully the bus driver accepted my incomplete fare as I tried to explain in my quite poor Spanish what had happened.

Disorientated and drained, I took a seat and — wait for it — fell asleep again. I woke up to the bus driver telling me we'd reached the end of the route — at a small terminal in Fontibon to be precise, on the city's western limits.

I told him that I needed to go to the centre. Although he initially seemed keen to get me off, in the end, he left me where I was while he went for something to eat. About 30 minutes later he came back and set off on the return journey. I didn't miss my stop this time.

Six years later, in November 2018, I was socialising in my "beloved" La Perseverancia barrio. It was the birthday of one of my costeño (somebody originally from the coast, that is) acquaintances, so, as is the costeños wont, the beer and, more damagingly, whiskey were in full flow.

As I recall, we went on a bit of a tienda crawl. The whiskey soon began to take its toll. The next memory I have is of my coming round on a footpath, with a bloodied face, black eye and two police officers standing over me. I had nothing but the keys to my apartment on me.

Foolishly, I'd gone out that night with a wallet containing my Colombian bank card, my ID and my Irish driver's licence. I also had a bag with me. Everything was taken.

At least the police officers did drive me to my residence.

The next day I returned to La Perseverancia in a bid to get some idea as to what had transpired. I thought somebody might know something.

Of those I trust the most there, they knew as much as me, i.e. next to nothing. What exactly happened that night remains — and no doubt will remain — a mystery.

There have been some other similar opaque occurrences but the above gives enough of an idea of the idiocy involved.

Ending on a more positive outlook, outside of the Cuban phone crisis that I wrote about at the beginning of this year and at the risk of jinxing myself, I've had nothing stolen since 2018.

I think I've had my fair share all the same.
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Making Bogotá 'mejor para todos'

The last week in Bogotá saw a fair amount of uproar  —  and traffic disruption — following the decision by city authorities to ban motorcyclists from carrying male pillion passengers.

The measure, which applies to only certain sectors of the metropolis, is being introduced in a bid to curb (pun not really intended) street crime. You see, there is a chance in these parts that two men riding a motorbike are up to no good.

In Pablo Escobar's time, the wise move would have been to run for cover if you saw such a sight approaching. It mightn't be as dramatic these days, but there is a potential criminal risk all the same. Hence the move to outlaw them.

You just can't trust those who wear baseball caps ... (From Facebook.)

It's all part of Mayor Enrique Peñalosa's plans to build a Bogotá 'better for everyone' ('mejor para todos [y todas]', we mustn't leave out the ladies). These things take time.

To lend a helping hand in that pursuit (you can thank us later), here are another few brainwaves that should whip the city into line (she'll be a paradise in no time):

If the cap fits ...

Let's face it, anyone wearing a baseball cap is surely on the wrong side of the law. Well, except for the police officers who actually have them as part of their uniform. They are the law, of course.

Yet rounding up all others who wear them would no doubt result in a big reduction in crime.

It would also significantly reduce the number of people freely wandering about Bogotá. A win-win scenario if ever there was one.

Where would we keep all these captured young and not-so-young punks? We could send them to Venezuela. They'd feel right at home with President Nicolás Maduro and all the other crazy, baseball cap-clad politicians over there. Not only that, but it would help to provide a balance to the massive influx of Venezuelans to these parts, too. Let's get on it, post-haste.

Line out

Sticking with matters of the head (we're a thoughtful bunch), what about those lads with that James Rodríguez-style line in their hair? We have to question the motives of grown men who dare to care enough to do it. Line in the hair one day, up to lewd acts in public the next.

Out with them, we say. Or at least have them sent to the barbers to get the line shaved out.

You're kidding nobody with that look, James ... (From Facebook.)

No-child policy 

Nobody said cleaning up Bogotá was going to be easy. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

What we're calling for here is abortions for any pregnant stratum one or two women. The same for unemployed stratum-three women.

That should lead to a fall in the number of delinquents in the future.

Those in the other strata are fine. Colombia's more well-to-do classes don't commit crimes you see. You don't have to when everything's set up in your favour.

Queue chaos

OK, this one might be more of a personal crusade and may not actually improve things unlike the fine measures above. We're allowed one indulgence, though, aren't we?

It also could be seen as both drastic and almost impossible to implement, but hey, such concerns haven't stopped Colombian authorities before.

Basically, anyone who jumps a queue is to be sent for some sort of intense corrective coaching, which may or may not involve mild torture. This would likewise apply to those who block the doors of the Transmilenio, a particular bugbear of ours.

If introduced along with the measures above it would result in practically every inhabitant of Bogotá having to face the law. So be it. A city's gotta do what a city's gotta do.

We could suggest another few areas to 'come down on', but let's see how we get on with these solid proposals for the moment. We don't want to run the risk of turning the place into a police state. Firm but fair is how we see it.

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Colombia's 'No Dar Papaya' School of Motoring

It's perhaps stretching it somewhat to say that how people drive gives a true reflection of their personality. 

This appears even more so the case when otherwise friendly, generally polite people turn into nothing short of aggressive lunatics when they get behind the wheel. A sort of Michael Schumacher in his heyday mixed with The Incredible Hulk, something along those lines.

You'll get this, what we'll call character aberration with many Colombians. Nice people in so many facets, yet when they sit into a motorised vehicle they transform into quasi-kamikaze pilots (of course, this isn't unique to here, but we're looking at it from a Bogotá perspective for this particular piece).

It's a battlefield out there ...

As much as an anomaly as it may seem, it does fit in with one cultural trait, the 'No dar papaya' mentality. Basically, on the highways and byways this manifests itself into, 'I shall not give an inch of space because if I do, there'll be somebody waiting to take full, merciless advantage.'

Hence the driving at breakneck speed up to a vehicle stopped ahead or traffic lights that have been clearly red for some time. 'What?! Go through the gears and slow down gradually. You must be mad! We'll be overtaken by all and sundry.' The sad part is, this is true.

It's usually the privately-owned public service vehicles — the few old-style buses that are still plying their trade and the yellow taxis — that are seen as the chief culprits in this. 

They're certainly masters of it, but the drivers of the public-private transport system, the Transmilenio and SITP, are no slouches either. 'To heck what you paying passengers think, you're in my reckless hands now guys.' 

(A note on the taxi drivers here: Some get themselves into a hissy fit if you don't close the door in the calm manner they want, an almost impossible feat, yet they proceed to drive the car like a weapon of mass destruction.)

Now, whatever about not respecting your fellow warrior motorists, those also behind the comfort of metal and glass that is, giving scant regard to those on foot is taking it to another level. 

Either we've got many colour blind drivers here (that would explain a lot) or they just don't really care about those annoying human obstacles trying to cross the street, regardless whether the pedestrians have the right of way or not. Unfortunately it's more the latter case.

Didn't you know the streets are first and foremost motorist territory? No? Well you'd better learn quickly.

For sure, drivers here have genuine grievances; there's the very poor state of many of the main arteries, a lack of efficient traffic management and security issues, to name some of those problems. In such an environment, we can understand a bit of road rage, to a point.

Yet, some motorists could try to bring just a modicum of that more laid-back nature they have in other facets of life when they go driving. 

Both your vehicle and other road users will thank you for it.
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Things could always be better

When we're going through difficult or frustrating times, there is the old saying, 'Things could be worse', to make us feel a bit better.

For most, if not all people, that is the case. Things could always be worse. (OK, there may exist a person who, compared to everybody else on the planet, is faring the worst but even that individual could, in theory, find solace in the words above.)

Some people are happy with what they have, others not so ...

It's similar to those who espouse either the glass-half-full or glass-half-empty mentality. It depends on how you look at it, and in any one person, this could change from day to day without there being any noticeable change in the actual circumstances.

Yet, the argument against the glass-half-full/things-could-be-worse outlook is that, in certain cases, it promotes mediocrity, curbs development.

For example, in countries that have had a less-than-glorious past, such as my native Ireland and here in Colombia, the desire to continue to try and improve things isn't always apparent, be it at a government or individual level. 

One reason (of many), perhaps, why the oft-criticised public transport system in Bogotá splutters along as is (the Transmilenio is one thing, but many of the SITP bus routes are in disarray — let's not go there, again). There are, needless to say, other examples that we won’t get into here.

Those in the glass-half-empty brigade are often accused of being negative, pessimistic. That might be so, yet when it comes with a desire to make things better, then it can be seen as something positive.

The key, as is usually the case in such matters, is finding the balance. For sure, it's pointless to strive for what amount to unattainable goals — once we know that is the case, that is — or get worked up about things that we can't fix or undo.

It's generally better to focus on the positives of our current situation whilst, should we so wish, looking for improvement where we feel it's needed. Otherwise, we'll never even be close to feeling content, no matter what the situation.

That being said, there is a danger of underachievement if we always think 'things could be worse', especially so when in reality making our lot better doesn't require an awful amount of effort or drastic change.

It's really a quest for contentment and fulfilment; feeling satisfied doing what we at least think we should be doing.

This is what keeps us going. And for many, it's never-ending. Once one goal is 'netted', the search for another begins.
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Transmilenio's unholy guardians of the gates

There may be some pointlessness to the following; but hey, this blog is still ongoing so I might as well stick to the programme (I jest, kind of).

For writing about the etiquette deficit of Bogotá's Transmilenio users in the hope of bringing about positive change seems about as useful as those 'How's my driving?' stickers the city's buses and taxis display.

Good door-blocking guys, well done ...

This isn't the first time we've focused on the Transmilenio, but rather than another general vent about the system's many ills, here we'll take aim at just one aspect. It might be the start of a small step towards a brighter future — quite literally, if people just moved to the side.

As any regular user of Bogotá's big red buses will know, there exists a hugely annoying habit of commuters standing in front of the (at times) automatic exit and entry doors, the ones that open when a bus arrives that is, so that people can alight and embark. 

For the uninitiated, at any one station one stopping point can be used for several buses serving various destinations (the infrastructure isn't large enough to allow a separate stop for each route type).

Thus, you have people parked in the middle of these entry-exit points waiting for their particular bus to come along with no intention of getting on the one that has actually stopped, creating a big obstruction for passengers getting off as well as those wishing to get on. Outside of not-so-gentle pushing — which, get this, angers the statue-like, asinine obstructors — there's not much else you can do to get off or on.

Neither politely reminding these people that they're being hugely unhelpful nor getting angry and alerting them to their idiocy works; they just appear to be 'conscientious obstructors' and remain so until their awaited bus shows up.

In mitigation, many of the stations, especially the more popular ones, are simply not big enough to cope with the numbers. 

Yet even in quieter stations and/or at off-peak times the "dim-wittedness" of obscuring the doorways prevails. A case of every man/woman for him/herself, to heck with the rest. Such things are obviously not part of the 'world's friendliest nation' criteria.

One way to attempt a change in this malignant transport culture is to employ door handlers. These would stand at the doors preventing any passengers from occupying the sacred space in between arrivals. In advance of a bus coming they could announce which one it is (a quick glance up the street should suffice) so that intending passengers can line up and enter; after, of course, those on board have alighted.

(It must be said that at one of the newer stations, Museo Nacional, albeit one with more space and less traffic flow than others, I have seen a similar queuing system in operation, controlled by Transmilenio employees. At rush hour in the busier stations, the formation of those preordained queues would be problematic, though not impossible.)

Another potential solution, or at least an easing of things for those getting off, could be some sort of a double-door operation, one-way off, one-way on.

Failing that, a more radical departure is to implement a mechanism where flesh-piercing spikes would spring up around the door area as soon as a bus leaves. 'You've got to be cruel to be kind' as the saying goes.

Authorities are well aware issues exist with the Transmilenio; most massive public transport systems have flaws. Yet in Bogotá it appears they don't quite know where to apply the solution. 

A couple of years back women-only station doors were trialled. A nice thought, but not exactly tackling the issue at hand. Women idiotically clog up the doors as much as men, if not more so. It's a bit like dividing a bunch of starving people into gender-based groups and leaving it at that; no food, nothing. Great job.

Perhaps with public transport here the thinking is, in typical Colombian style, 'it gets the job done'. It might be light years away from efficient and comes with a good level of strife, but it works — kind of. And what's more, it's only for us ordinary folk, what else do we expect?

Right, point made; let's start witnessing the changes, not. Back to grinning and bearing it.
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'¿Cómo conduzco?' 'Um, not very well'

Sometimes, what is seen as a bad practice in one culture can be viewed as something to be lauded in another. Or at least no one seems to get too worked up about it, which can be a bit puzzling if it wasn’t what you were brought up on.

Is that '¿cómo conduzco?' sticker a cry out for help?

Now, while many of the cultural traits in Colombia are not that far removed from what this writer is used to, there are a few head-scratchers all the same.

Enough has been written previously in these quarters about relationships and suchlike, so let’s stay clear of that area this time around. Plus, considering the topic, it’s best not to be completely, erm, ‘driven round the bend’ by trying to analyse this in too broad a scope.

Thus, the focus this time around is on the style of Colombian driving, especially – but not exclusively – in relation to those who drive for a living.

Basically, the general custom is to drive your vehicle as hard as you can, weaving in and out of whatever traffic gets in your way, then equally brake as hard as you can when you must stop (as inconvenient as stopping is when you’re in ‘full flow’).

In fact, quite paradoxically in a country where not much trust is put in anybody or anything – often with good reason – many Colombians appear to put a huge amount of trust in mechanical brakes.

Indeed, given such behaviour, there’s little wonder why a good number of Colombians, women from this perspective anyway, have firm figures. 

For when you have to make a move to get off a city bus, or when you’re standing from the moment you get on, you’d have an easier time keeping your balance on a small yacht in the middle of a violent storm on the high seas. A good workout for your body’s core you might say, to go along with the regular squat exercises taken on public transport.

It's easier to keep your balance when the bus is crowded.

It’s also a common occurrence to see rival bus drivers go to battle with their vehicles – like modern-day lancers – if they’ve been impeded trying to do their route as fast as they can. ‘Passengers. What passengers?’

Of course, from a Bogotá point of view, this rough-and-tumble, aggressive way of driving was due to change with the arrival of, firstly, the Transmilenio and then the SITP. Commuting in the city would be transformed into something resembling an angelic procession. Well, so some people told us.

However, to paraphrase the old saying, ‘You can take the man out of the colectivo, but you can’t take the colectivo (style of driving that is) out of the man.’

The SITP and, to a lesser extent, Transmilenio drivers are from the same mould as their predecessors.

Yes, it’s early days for the new system and changing a culture takes time. Plus, drivers in Bogotá, and throughout Colombia, aren’t helped by the appalling state of many of the main highways and byways.

Yet, for the moment, some money could be saved by not bothering to post those ‘¿Cómo conduzco?’ (literally, 'How do I drive?') stickers on the back of most vehicles. That’s because there’s pretty much a universal answer: ‘Not very well.’

Or perhaps we’re looking at the question the wrong way (as is this blog's wont, obviously). It could be a cry for help, as in ‘How do I actually drive this vehicle?’ The evidence certainly supports this.

Driving lessons – another opening in the Colombian market.

'Careful now, that seat is hot!'

Right. That's it. I can't stay silent about this any more. In fact, if I don't vent now there's a danger that if things build up any further, who knows what I might do. So, let Operation De-steam commence.

'I think I'll give this seat a miss.' (photo from hereisthecity.com).

Good citizens of Colombia please, for the love of the Christian god many of you adore so much, get over your fear of the hot seat. Where on earth did such an illogical aversion come from?

If cramming (should you be lucky enough to actually cram on, that is) onto a bus or Transmilenio is part of your daily routine, another thing that you're guaranteed to see are people hovering, for at least 20 seconds, over a just-vacated seat.

The reason for this is to let the seat cool down and, I imagine, give the new occupier peace of mind that he/she won't contract some disease that may be hovering (sorry) about from the previous person. What difference, though, is a short interlude going to make? 

If you're that concerned, from a health/hygiene perspective or whatever, why not bring some disinfectant and rubber gloves in order to give the seat a good wipe down before you take the plunge? You can't be too careful now, can you? Also, the rest of us have our own concerns, so covering your mouth when you sneeze would be a help.

Top squatter: Jonny Wilkinson (photo from Facebook).

Now, it could be that those who hover are just engaging in a stagnant squat exercise, a simple, effective way to tone the thighs; never miss an opportunity to work out and all. 

Indeed, looking at it that way lessens my anger somewhat. Fair play to the overweight-bordering-on-obese 'hoverers' on making an effort to get their bodies back into shape.

Be that as it may, any benefit gained from the above is cancelled out by some other questionable hygiene hang-ups.

One of those is a reluctance for some to drink out of a real – that is to say reusable and generally more environmentally friendly – cup/mug in a public place. The reason for this is an abhorrence of using a coffee cup that somebody else used, again this being down to a disease/germ fear, even though it has been cleaned. 

No, they prefer these poor-quality plastic cups that practically melt once a hot drink is poured into them. With that they proceed to consume a concoction of coffee and chemicals from the melting plastic; just add cyanide to taste.

A deadly mix: Coffee in a reused, real cup & handled bread.

There's also this fussiness about not touching bread with your bare hands. OK, 'What's wrong with that?', you might ask – a good practice to uphold. The thing is, some people dislike seeing you eat your own bread or whatever with your own bare hands. 

This is despite the fact that bread and suchlike in most establishments is left uncovered, out in the open, free to mingle with all sorts of airborne material, including regular encounters with those dastardly sky rats, or pigeons if you will. It all just adds to the flavour I guess.

So there's a host of these rather puzzling neuroses concerning personal hygiene, yet a large part of Bogotá – plus many other urban areas throughout the country – resembles a dump, and in some cases a toilet. 

A little bit more of a desire to clean up the immediate environment rather than being overly – in a misplaced manner – occupied with self-preservation wouldn't go astray.

That might make us all feel a little better. And healthier.

Transmilenio: A snapshot of Colombian "organisation"?

'In Colombia, we’re more concerned with the idea and not so much with the execution. Additionally, time management is messy here.'

The Transmilenio: It almost looks serene here.

The above sentiments aren't mine (although, they could be). Rather they are that of a Bogotá native now living and working in the USA. In so many ways they ring true in this land.

Let's start with a somewhat positive outlook. There certainly seems to exist a strong work ethic among the Colombian populace – from a Bogotá context in any case. Or a strong desire to get to work at least. 

All you have to do is try and squeeze yourself onto a city bus or the (much-maligned) Transmilenio from 5 am onwards each weekday to see that most city residents are not slouches when it comes to early rising. 

Plus, it's not a case of early to work, early home. Many won't commence the return journey until at least 12 hours later, if not more. Slaves to their work or workaholics? Well, yes and no.

Coming back to our opening quote, a lot of it is down to time management (or lack thereof) and methodology coupled with, to put it mildly, a less-than-clinical execution, manifested in so many interlocking areas across the metropolis.

On the hours that many actually spend at work here, how productive they are with that time is open to much debate. Very often the answer is in the results; they're usually not jaw-dropping. 

It comes down to that difference between being at work and actually doing work. 

Many Colombian employers prefer to see their staff staying late at the office or wherever, having the 'look of work' about them, even if it is to the detriment of productivity. It's linked in with the inherent lack of trust that people here have in one another.

Inside the Transmilenio system.

Now, another reason why many may willingly stay late at work, especially those who face a public transport commute, is to avoid going home at peak times. 

The aforementioned Transmilenio is something I touched on some time back, however few will argue that the system has got progressively worse as it has expanded.* 

Not only is it severely under-capacity, but the behaviour of its users has deteriorated to sub-animal level compared to the last time I wrote about this.

Outside of more buses, station layout, with a special focus on the manner in which people enter and exit the carriages, is something that needs to be seriously addressed. Yet any new stations built are designed in the same way as the flawed current system.

On top of this, the state of the route corridors is generally shocking; buses often have to slow to a crawl to manoeuvre their way around massive potholes and uneven surfaces. 

An excuse given for the latter problem is that Bogotá is built on a swamp, thus maintaining smooth roadways is difficult. Well, it's not the first city in the world to have to overcome such natural inconveniences. 

One thing that would help is for authorities not to give such work to cowboy construction companies, where the bottom line is lining one's own pocket.

You've also a question of focus. With the Transmilenio practically on its knees, the powers that be have decided making WiFi available in a number of stations a priority. Well, perhaps it's a way to pacify the masses as they hang around like cattle waiting, typically in vain, to cram onto the next bus.

Then you have the 'integrated' public transport system, or SITP, which has been rolling out gradually since late 2012.** The idea is that it's meant to replace the myriad of private bus operators currently bringing the majority of the city's populace to and from their place of work. 

One of the problems with it, however, is that it's not really integrated. For starters, the card you need to use the SITP buses is not compatible with most of the Transmilenio services. This is down to the fact that they have different operators.

Colectivos -- better than the Transmilenio?

What's more, the SITP buses themselves are also operated by different companies, depending on which part of the city they serve. Have we lost something in translation between the Spanish 'integrado' and the English 'integrated'? 

Alongside all that, deciphering where each route goes seems overly and unnecessarily confusing. It's the busetas/colectivos for me still.

Taking all this 'on board' so to put it, as a friend opined about the transport system in Bogotá, 'it's a microcosm of Colombian life in general; not a bad idea in theory, but how it's put into operation is, to say the least, incomplete.'

It's not that people aren't aware of the problems; it's just the attempted solutions tend to be ill-thought-out. 

Spend some more time at the planning stage – or indeed just try a bit of planning at all – and who knows what could happen? Probably not a lot, though.

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*See Bogotá's transport truths.

**For more on the SITP, read 'Dulling down' Bogotá.

A version of this story is also available on the El Tiempo web site at  http://bit.ly/1igXqyz.

Putting Colombia right, the 'Wrong Way'

As has been well documented, the Wrong Way crew is a modest bunch. Sometimes, though, we have to go against our natural instincts and give ourselves a modicum of praise (it’s unlikely anyone else will). 

So as we prepare to depart Bogotá for what at this remove is an unspecified period of time, we’re going to take a look at some of, ahem, our achievements in the region over the last 20-plus months.*

The sun is setting on this latest (but perhaps not last) stint in Bogotá.

Peace talks

Considering the bridges we built during our time living in divided Belfast (a nice little chat with the Reverend Ian Paisley outside City Hall being one of the highlights), it was only a matter of time before President Juan Manuel Santos called on us to set the Colombian peace process in motion. 

Cynics out there may say that the whole thing is just an expensive talking shop that’s going nowhere – the violence hasn’t stopped, for one – but at least they’re talking, right? (For an earlier account of this, see http://bit.ly/13IIUKr).

‘Revitalised’ Bogotá

Where do we start with this? There’s the partially pedestrianised Carrera Séptima (7th Street) in the capital’s centre – a rare victory for humans over vehicles (kind of). 

We stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Mayor Gustavo Petro during the controversial change in rubbish collection that has revolutionised waste collection in the city (well, maybe not quite revolutionised, but it sounds good – for background see http://bit.ly/WFOPsW).

What's more, we finally initialised the programme to rescue the metropolis’ overworked horses – it’s taking time to get them all off the streets, but we’re getting there (see http://bit.ly/15IZQPz).

It’s not only the equines we’ve saved but also some human beings. Our cleaning up of Bogotá’s notorious Bronx barrio (and other dangerous barrios in other cities across Colombia) has been a roaring success – we just haven’t been there in a while to check on progress (it’s too dangerous).

Carrera Septima –take away the cars & the people will come (and march).

Transport matters

An ever-extending (it goes to the airport now, almost) efficient (at times) Transmilenio service linked up with an integrated public bus system (SITP – OK, hardly anybody uses it yet and its operation is divvied up between nine companies, but change takes time, you know) is something we’re pretty proud of. 

We’re not resting on our laurels, though. Metro Bogotá is more than just a pipe dream, it is on the way, trust us. (For more on transport in the city, check out http://bit.ly/N68gKL)

La grande

Las grandes in our favourite tienda ...

For some reason, the big beer revolution that swept through the rest of South America some time back passed over Colombia. That was until we arrived and got Bavaria – the country’s main beer producer – moving on this front. 

Since the introduction of La grande (750ml bottle), through hard work, dedication and repetition, we’ve been persuading the locals to take up the big habit. Come on guys, above all it makes economical sense.

Vamos a Brazil

There’s no doubt Colombia has produced some exceptional football (soccer, if you will) players through the ages, but La Selección – the national team – has very often flattered to deceive. Thanks to our, um, support that has all changed. 

All they need is a couple of points from their final four games of the South American World Cup qualifiers and Los Cafeteros will be on their way to Brazil next year – their first World Cup finals appearance since 1998. Chévere.

Thespian talent

Before our arrival, Colombian telenovelas (soap operas) were renowned for their cheesiness, terrible acting, ridiculous storylines and just all-round bad quality. 

Now, however, with our help, they are, well, um ... Right, let’s just say we did some interesting extras work from time to time. The gory details of those can be found here http://bit.ly/NrbPc3.

Hard at it; but whose is that banana skin?

Educating excellence

While we may have occasionally showcased our acting skills on Colombia’s small screen, the arguably more lasting, beneficial legacy we’ll leave behind has been our ability to pass on the English language – with an Irish twist, albeit (more detailed thoughts on our teaching talents can be read here http://bit.ly/V8ELH4). 

Whether any of our alumni actually learned anything is open to debate. At the very least, though, some of them have a better understanding of Irish history and culture, Wrong Way style. 

We'll miss imparting that knowledge; as well as all the free coffees and the odd free lunch. Heck, those latter treats are enough to entice us back (we're easily pleased here, you know). Time will tell on that one.

*Disclaimer: We would like to point out that some of these achievements may not be directly attributed to us. But ...

Bogotá's broken windows

Right, it's a question of where do we start with this one. Applying the Broken Windows theory to Bogotá might seem futile.* 

In brief, this is the idea that if a window is broken and left that way in a neighbourhood, this gives off a signal to others that nobody cares about the place. Thus, more windows are broken and a sense of disorder soon spreads throughout the area with a feeling that nobody is in control. 

In other words, the premise is that when trying to implement law and order, small, seemingly minor transgressions matter in a big way.

A cause for concern or not?

It is this thinking in operation that is credited by many in overseeing the dramatic reduction in crime levels in New York City in the late 1980s and '90s. 

For much of the '80s the city was going through one of the worst crime epidemics in its history. But by coming down hard on what appeared petty, insignificant unlawful behaviour in comparison to the daily homicides that were occurring at the time – a policy that started on the subway before later being introduced on the streets under the guise of zero-tolerance – the city’s crime levels plummeted.

So looking at Bogotá in this light, there are plenty of broken windows – in the literal sense and otherwise – which the authorities here could start making a concerted effort to fix. Below we take a look at the ones that cause us the greatest annoyance:

Watch your step ...

Faeces on the streets**

When we lived in working-class north Belfast, good practice on the main street outside our house was to walk with your head down so as not to step on the ubiquitous dog poo lining the concrete. The same advice goes for Bogotá; however, not only is it dog excrement you have to avoid but also human.

Yes, most of the latter faeces are the product of the homeless, but perhaps the introduction of some basic public toilets (we’re not asking for a shelter just yet) for these guys and gentle persuasion not to "decorate" the streets with their waste would be a start.

As for the dogs, fine owners who are caught not cleaning up after their canine’s mess, simple as. The unaccounted for street mutts? Round them up.

Aggressive beggars

In a city where a many live well below the poverty line, beggars are a sad fact of reality. When there is a lack of any meaningful social programme to help them it’s difficult to be critical. 

However, the in-your-face, give-me-money-now types need to be systematically tackled – it’s a thin line to cross from aggressively asking for money to aggressively taking it. Fining these types is obviously a waste of time but setting up some sort of community scheme where they are housed and put to work might be one solution.

Transmilenio delinquents

It was on New York’s subway where Broken Windows first hit, tackling fare-beaters for one. When these offenders were apprehended, it was often found that many of them were carrying weapons or had previous convictions. 

There are plenty of abusers of Bogotá’s main public transport system, Transmilenio, who no doubt would fall into the same category. Deal with them. Of course, to help in this you need a streamlined system where these crimes are punished quickly and effectively – in a country such as Colombia that could be the downfall.

Rubbish

This just adds to the overall environment of carelessness, and there’s plenty of it to be found blowing around the capital’s centre. 

Inadequate public bins, poor storage facilities for waste yet to be collected, a lack of litter awareness among the populace, and homeless people who rip open rubbish bags looking for hidden "delights" are all parts of the problem. 

Mayor Gustavo Petro’s coveted Basura Cero (‘Zero Rubbish') programme (see http://bit.ly/WFOPsW for background) has a long way to go.

Infrastructure issues, neglected buildings

"Holy" ground.

Footpaths and roads in perpetual states of incompleteness and/or disrepair, new buildings not finished or older ones lying decrepit, again like the rubbish and the broken windows themselves, these send out negative signals. 

It’s not just faeces that you have to avoid on Bogotá’s streets but also the risk of falling down a manhole – it’s normal for the covers of these to go missing and then rarely replaced. This goes for the highways and the pavements. At best some thoughtful person might place a stick protruding out of the hole to act as a warning. It’s a start anyway.

Graffiti

Another "crime" that came in for heavy treatment on New York’s subway; for many, of course, it’s just an expression of art. From that point of view, Bogotá has plenty of interesting, impressive murals that are now tourist attractions. 

So when graffiti brightens up an area and has a story to tell, then it's fine. But vandalising protected public buildings or transport with paint is not art – this is where heads should roll.

It must be pointed out that we’re not in favour of a zealous police state. For us, Broken Windows should be about implementing an attitude change. 

Therefore, to set an example you may have to be strict and unwavering at first, but over time people should come to know what’s acceptable and what’s not. Some, though, take longer than others to learn.

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*See http://bit.ly/12r4YV2 for a more detailed explanation of broken windows.

**A good Dutch friend sent us this photo – the infamous shit-hand of Bogotá. Nice.

Toilet paper? What's that?

Small steps to a cleaner, greener Bogotá?

OK, credit where credit is – perhaps – due. If we came across as being a little harsh on Bogotá Mayor Gustavo Petro in our last post (see ‘Petrograd – Colombia’s new capital?’) we must compliment him and his administration now. Cautiously that is, as it is early days and this is Colombia.

No more mixing & matching of waste - in theory anyway.

However, with the scene now seemingly set for the introduction of a new ‘unified’ waste collection service in Bogotá in a matter of days, more details have – not before time, you might say – emerged as to what it will entail.

One of the more standout, welcome measures as far as we are concerned is the introduction of two separate household bins, a black one for organic matter and a white one for inorganic/recyclable material. For if there’s one thing we’ve missed in our time here, it’s a systematic approach to recycling domestic waste. It heretofore just hasn’t existed.

To say Bogotanos – or most Colombians for that matter – lack such a culture of ‘reduce, reuse, recycle’ is putting it mildly. 

Of course, this is a trend across developing world (we reluctantly use that description) countries – thinking ‘green’ often tends to be the last part of a state’s development plan. It just doesn’t seem as attractive – hedonistic, if you will – as the more planetary harmful, wasteful ways of doing business. Or at least it hasn’t up until very recently.

We're not sure if the locals here will be separating their rubbish.

Now nobody, not even Mayor Petro, is expecting overnight success with the new waste measures. Considering the fact that there will be no punishment – financial or otherwise – for domestic users who don’t ‘play by the rules’, it’s a safe bet to assume that getting the city’s residents to change their habits is not going to be easy.

Indeed, having two bins for different types of rubbish might be a tad mind-blowing for some, especially those who find it difficult to move away from the doors of the Transmilenio transport system, both at the station and on-board, when they are neither getting on nor getting off (for more on this see ‘Bogotá’s transport truths’). 

Sometimes it appears people here just don’t know what might be good, not just for others, but for themselves, too. When you don’t see an obvious ‘carrot’, a ‘stick’ is often needed to lead you down the correct path.

Let’s not be overly pessimistic, though. It certainly seems to be a step in the right direction to get the city’s inhabitants to think more smartly about how they dispose of their waste and, in the process, it should help give the place a badly needed ‘freshening-up’.

Sticking with the green theme, it has also been announced that in the next few months Bogotá’s streets will become home to fifty electric-powered taxis. 

A tiny number this may be compared to the thousands of gas-guzzling cars on the capital’s streets but, as above, it’s a small sign that the city’s authorities are finally trying to clean up the place.

Is a bright, cleaner future ahead for Bogotá?

Plans are also afoot – again, though, don’t hold your breath as to when these will be realised – to pedestrianise a large part of the Las Aguas area of the city near the historic centre. 

Coupled with the already partial pedestrianisation of Carrera Septima (Seventh Street – something we touched on in ‘Dulling down Bogotá’), downtown Bogotá could become a much more pleasant place to amble about in the next few years.

Of course, as is the case with many environmentally ‘friendly’ measures, the argument can be made that the energy expended to introduce and maintain such methods can be just as much as the old ‘harmful’ ways of doing business. 

For example, in the case of electric-powered cars, often the electricity used to run them is produced from highly pollutant power plants. In one sense, it could be said that the point of pollution is just being moved to a more concentrated location – out of sight, out of mind so to speak.

This shouldn’t, however, be used as an excuse not to at least attempt to clean up our act. Yes, all countries must try harder to produce less planetary harmful core energy on a large scale, but we should all try to do our bit at a micro level, too.

In this regard, these may be small steps being taken in Bogotá but they're better than nothing. And for that, we must be thankful.

'Dulling down' Bogotá

Outside of its natural beauty, another thing that attracts many Westerners or those from the developed world (whatever that means) to Latin America is the difference of the place compared to home. The not-very-organised confusion if you will. It can be refreshingly chaotic, at least for a time.

Die-hards: Bogotá's old-school, diesel-guzzling buses.

In a more specific sense, we highlighted previously (see ‘Bogotá’s Transport Truths’) this kind of chaos in terms of transport here in Bogotá, our home, on and off, for the best part of a year. 

We mentioned then, that despite its many flaws, we preferred the colourful colectivo/buseta public transport system over the more modern Transmilenio (the city’s ‘far from efficient but getting there’ tram service on wheels). 

This attraction, however, with the old-school buses, their colourful handcrafted route displays and devil-may-care way of operating may, sadly in some respects, be coming to an enforced end. 

It’s all to do with the rolling-out of the city’s SITP or integrated public transport system.* In a bid to modernise the metropolis, the old way of doing things is being phased out. 

So, over the next few months and years residents of Bogotá must learn to catch a bus at an actual bus stop, which means the bus drivers will have to get out of the habit of aggressively braking to pick up passengers at random locations. 

With the introduction of a cashless, card system the days of waving a 1,000 peso note at the driver – the accepted sign that you are only willing/able to pay two-thirds of the fare – will be numbered. If your card isn't charged with the sufficient amount, you won’t be able to board. 

Well, that’s the theory anyway. No doubt a few crafty Bogotanos will find a way around this. 

Besides, what about the steam of individuals boarding the current buses, without paying, selling things such as DVDs and pens to books and chocolate and everything else in between? Surely they're not just going to disappear.

Facing the axe: the ass-and-cart is fighting for its future.

The travel-card system will also mean that the bus drivers will only have to concentrate on actual driving. 

The admirable skills they have required of managing to, more or less, keep the bus on the road while dishing out the correct change to an endless string of passengers will become defunct. Getting around Bogotá will no doubt be a far duller experience for all these changes.

However, for those of you with a soft spot, like us, for the simple, more rustic way of doing things you’ll be glad to know that old habits and buses die hard around these parts. 

You just need to take a look north to the more ‘cosmopolitan’ Panama City to see how the old-school system refuses to go away despite the city’s rush towards ‘modernisation’. Although Panamanians have got used to using assigned bus stops.  

Now, of course, there are obvious positives in this attempt to ‘clean up’ Bogotá’s transport system. A new, modern fleet of buses should mean that they are cleaner and more fuel efficient than most of the old-guard monsters currently on the prowl. 

In fairness, that’s not stating a lot considering the choking emissions from the archaic buses resemble those of a decent-sized factory. Anything that might do even the slightest bit to freshen up the city’s light, oxygen-deprived air has to be welcomed.

But while it might be one step forward for the seemingly progressive Mayor Gustavo Petro in the above regard on reducing carbon emissions from transport, it’s at least a sixth of a step back in another way: the banning of the ass-and-cart from the city’s thoroughfares in the coming months. 

Come on, the emissions from the humble ass (that’s the animal we’re referring to here) are nothing compared to those gas-guzzling vehicles, the old or new ones.  

The changing face of Carrera Septima.

Perhaps, though, they’ll still be allowed to mosey on down Carrera Septima (Seventh Street), now that its partial pedestrianisation is up and running. 

As one of Bogotá’s most iconic and important arteries, leading right into the main square, Plaza Bolívar, this move is welcome, despite the opposition by some local traders. 

Indeed, in the long run, it’s these very same local traders who may benefit the most from taking the traffic off this street.

All these new developments are an attempt to bring Bogotá in line with the very best cities, not just in South America, but across the globe. And as the chief urban centre in a country that is changing – ever so slowly, but changing nonetheless – its negative, dangerous image to the outside world, all the above can be seen, in general, as positive. 

For those of you who fear the city and its inhabitants may lose a little bit of their uniqueness, there’s much more to this place and its people than how they commute.  

However, on a broader scale, modernisation does not always mean ‘cleaner and greener’ — on the contrary, in some cases it can mean quite the opposite. 

So as many ‘developing countries’ try to play catch-up with the ‘developed’ ones, it’s worth bearing in mind the following stat we came across recently: If the world’s poorest four-fifths were to live like the richest one-fifth, at current consumption levels, we would need four planet earths to sustain us.

Some food for thought that.

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*SITP stands for Sistema Integrado de Transporte Público de Bogotá, or Bogotá's Integrated Public Transport System.