Making Bogotá 'mejor para todos'

The last week in Bogotá saw a fair amount of uproar  —  and traffic disruption — following the decision by city authorities to ban motorcyclists from carrying male pillion passengers.

The measure, which applies to only certain sectors of the metropolis, is being introduced in a bid to curb (pun not really intended) street crime. You see, there is a chance in these parts that two men riding a motorbike are up to no good.

In Pablo Escobar's time, the wise move would have been to run for cover if you saw such a sight approaching. It mightn't be as dramatic these days, but there is a potential criminal risk all the same. Hence the move to outlaw them.

You just can't trust those who wear baseball caps ... (From Facebook.)

It's all part of Mayor Enrique Peñalosa's plans to build a Bogotá 'better for everyone' ('mejor para todos [y todas]', we mustn't leave out the ladies). These things take time.

To lend a helping hand in that pursuit (you can thank us later), here are another few brainwaves that should whip the city into line (she'll be a paradise in no time):

If the cap fits ...

Let's face it, anyone wearing a baseball cap is surely on the wrong side of the law. Well, except for the police officers who actually have them as part of their uniform. They are the law, of course.

Yet rounding up all others who wear them would no doubt result in a big reduction in crime.

It would also significantly reduce the number of people freely wandering about Bogotá. A win-win scenario if ever there was one.

Where would we keep all these captured young and not-so-young punks? We could send them to Venezuela. They'd feel right at home with President Nicolás Maduro and all the other crazy, baseball cap-clad politicians over there. Not only that, but it would help to provide a balance to the massive influx of Venezuelans to these parts, too. Let's get on it, post-haste.

Line out

Sticking with matters of the head (we're a thoughtful bunch), what about those lads with that James Rodríguez-style line in their hair? We have to question the motives of grown men who dare to care enough to do it. Line in the hair one day, up to lewd acts in public the next.

Out with them, we say. Or at least have them sent to the barbers to get the line shaved out.

You're kidding nobody with that look, James ... (From Facebook.)

No-child policy 

Nobody said cleaning up Bogotá was going to be easy. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

What we're calling for here is abortions for any pregnant stratum one or two women. The same for unemployed stratum-three women.

That should lead to a fall in the number of delinquents in the future.

Those in the other strata are fine. Colombia's more well-to-do classes don't commit crimes you see. You don't have to when everything's set up in your favour.

Queue chaos

OK, this one might be more of a personal crusade and may not actually improve things unlike the fine measures above. We're allowed one indulgence, though, aren't we?

It also could be seen as both drastic and almost impossible to implement, but hey, such concerns haven't stopped Colombian authorities before.

Basically, anyone who jumps a queue is to be sent for some sort of intense corrective coaching, which may or may not involve mild torture. This would likewise apply to those who block the doors of the Transmilenio, a particular bugbear of ours.

If introduced along with the measures above it would result in practically every inhabitant of Bogotá having to face the law. So be it. A city's gotta do what a city's gotta do.

We could suggest another few areas to 'come down on', but let's see how we get on with these solid proposals for the moment. We don't want to run the risk of turning the place into a police state. Firm but fair is how we see it.

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Forlorn Falcao

You have to admire, in some ways, Colombian patriotism. Among each other, they may bad mouth their country and criticise its many ills, but when it comes to outside 'attacks' they seem pretty good at closing ranks and rallying behind Colombia's cause, whatever that might be.

Falcao: Time to say goodbye to Manchester United? (Photo from Facebook.)

This is especially the case in the sporting arena. In last summer's Fifa World Cup, for example, the nation focused its wrath on the Spanish referee who 'robbed' Colombia's football heroes of what would have been a historic semi-final spot. Not much, however, was said of the rather timid first-half display from a team that up to that point had set the tournament alight.

Of course, Colombia made it to the last eight without the man who had been their talisman in qualifying for the tournament, a certain Señor Radamel Falcao. As we all know, a new star and national, nay international, hero announced himself on the world stage at Brazil 2014, James Rodríguez. But much adored as he is, Falcao is still hugely respected and revered here.

So Colombian pride has been hurt by the way he has been treated at his loan club this season, Manchester United. The Dutchman at the helm at Old Trafford, Louis Van Gaal, is very much the villain in these parts. And if Colombians needed justification for such a view, they got it recently from none other than the great Diego Maradona, who on a visit to Bogotá called Van Gaal 'the devil'. A strong endorsement that. A united Latino front or more a case, perhaps, of the crafty Argentinian playing to the gallery.

But the English club's manager may not be the one in the wrong here, if anyone is at fault at all.

OK, it can be argued with good reason that Falcao hasn't been given sufficient opportunities to prove himself in Manchester. Game time has been limited, even when he has been fit to play.

Diego Maradona: Who ate all the pies? (Photo credit: Amy Farrell.)

Yet, of the chances he did get to show us his undoubted quality, the latest coming in the recent league defeat at Chelsea, he hasn't been that impressive, to say the least. What's more, United have found a system and — more importantly — winning form without him. For a manager who was under the cosh just a few months ago, with the non-deployment of Falcao a regular stick to beat him with, Van Gaal now has solid results to throw back at his critics.

For sure, it appears the relationship between the striker and gaffer isn't great and at times it seemed like Van Gaal wasn't playing the Colombian purely out of stubbornness. Whether that's the case or not, you can't find too much fault with the manager's selection of late (the Chelsea game excepted); and the reality is that Falcao is, at this moment in time anyway, a bit part in the United revival.

The goals he recently netted on international duty show he still has his predatory instincts, while they also added more fuel to Colombian annoyance at how he is being treated in England. Although scoring against Bahrain and Kuwait in friendly fixtures isn’t the greatest yardstick on which to judge a top-class striker.

At this remove, it's unlikely he'll hang around Manchester once this current loan spell expires at the end of the season. The best move for all concerned, you'd have to think.

A trip back to club football on the European continent, after what both he and Colombia will hope to be a successful Copa América, might be just what El Tigre needs to rediscover his mojo.

Chasing a star(bucks)

Wow! How the lot for some Colombians is improving considerably.

'James, you haven't a spare euro or two?' (Photo from Facebook.)

For one, the country's new hero, James Rodríguez, has ensured Real Madrid will have about 40 million new followers thanks to his big-money move to the Spanish giants. 

OK, footballers operate in a completely different galaxy to us mere mortals. Thus, that things are looking up for James should be put into its proper, ludicrous context. It's not his fault, of course, that this is the way the football world is, so we can only wish him well in his new life as an overpaid galáctico.

On a slightly more comprehensible and, going by the reaction, palpable level, Starbucks' arrival to the home of coffee has signalled the country's passage into the big league; or so some locals appear to believe. A case of: 'Now things will change; we've got Starbucks.' 

It certainly does gel in nicely with that popular Colombian notion that 'outside (especially North America) is better than home.'*

So having the US coffee label here is another step towards becoming 'US Americanised'; that should fix all the problems. Then again, maybe not.

In a way, the opening of the company's flagship Colombian café in Bogotá is a further sign of the country's growing middle class and, with that, the extra disposable income in a few people's pockets. 

Plus, it shows in a very visible way that multinational companies no longer see the country as the big risk it once was in which to do business, or indeed most activities.

Yet, the much-publicised excitement exuded by a segment of the population on Starbucks' grand opening has only served to demonstrate yet again the huge inequality that exists in this land. 

On the one hand, you had people queueing for up to an hour to get their hands on a cappuccino retailing at 5,500 pesos (almost $3US), while alongside them, as they waited to enter, you had street vendors selling their equivalent for less than ten per cent of that price.

Starbucks Bogotá: The fancy decor has a price (photo from Facebook).

Yes, those in the know will talk about the quality of the Starbucks fare (alongside the local equivalents such as Juan Valdez and Oma), but at more than ten times the price of a perico (coffee with milk) in my local panadería, it just doesn't make sense to me. 

And whatever about it not making sense to me, for a large chunk of Colombians, paying 5,500 pesos for a coffee is just not a runner, ever.

If your monthly earnings are about 600,000 pesos ($320US), roughly Colombia's minimum wage, and you're in a six-day-a-week job where you have to commute by public transport, you're not left with much money to play around with. 

The transport costs alone would be more than 72,000 pesos per month.** Take food and general living expenses out of the remainder and you can see why 5,500 peso coffees are a pipe dream for many. Throw dependants into the mix and the picture is even grimmer.

Such inequality is not unique to Colombia, although the scale of it here is intense. Like many others before him, re-elected president Juan Manuel Santos has made reducing it one of his priorities.

But while we strive to improve the lot of the poorest in society, we also have to look at the other side of things. 

That is to say a much more even distribution of the world's current wealth. Many of us could have as equally a fulfilling life – if not more so – minus a lot of the non-essential extras we accumulate.

Something to mull over whilst sipping on your Starbucks cappuccino watching James make his Real Madrid début. Isn't life just bliss?
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*Colombia's police often exhibit this trait that the Western foreigner knows best. For more on that see Colombia's good cops.

**It has been brought to my attention that a travel allowance of 72,000 pesos is available for those earning 1,232,000 or less. While this is no doubt a help, it still won't see the masses flocking to Starbucks.